The rescue operation for what was believed to be a Beluga whale stranded in the river Thames has been called off, as the former Foreign Secretary confirmed that he was, in fact, the half tonne pasty beast floundering around naked in the water as hoards of onlookers looked on.
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There is definitely going to be another general election now that Theresa May has ruled it out, according to voters sick to the back teeth of this stuff.
The Beluga whale seen in UK waters around the Thames is only here due to the government’s lax attitude in providing benefits to foreigners, according to a UKIP spokesperson this morning.
Britain’s most socially awkward Prime Minister Theresa May is currently weighing up her exit options, according to a source close to Number Ten.
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