The epidemic of lethal stabbings that has plagued British city streets for so long came to an abrupt end after Home Secretary and visionary strategist, Sajid Javid came up with the brilliant plan to ask the police to ‘step up their response’.
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Barely competent shit-hound, Dominic Raab, has been given the cold shoulder by cabinet colleagues after failing to realise the essential role toilet paper plays in maintaining anal hygiene.
In the hope of drumming up more sheep-like followers, it has been announced that the bleeding heart liberal echo chamber website NewsThump is to launch a Christmas TV advert.
Banknotes and coins have told former English Defence League leader Tommy Robinson that he will no longer be allowed to handle them with his grubby racist hands.
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