UK

Jacob Rees-Mogg slams rain forecasts as ‘Project Fear’ and recommends everyone leaves brolly at home

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Jacob Rees-Mogg has launched a furious attack on the weather forecast, saying that its predictions of rain are just hysterical overreactions put about by pro-wet weather civil servants and that people should just leave their brollies at home and simply hope it doesn’t rain.

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Brexit’s ‘sunlit uplands’ found to be full of dogshit and broken glass

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The promised sunlit uplands of Brexit have today been revealed to be full of dogshit and broken glass with Chancellor Philip Hammond’s admission that the UK will be worse off under all Brexit scenarios.

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Officially now cheaper to ring numbers at random until you get the correct one, than phone 118

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As research shows that calls to 118 directory numbers can cost over £20, experts have said it’s probably cheaper to dial random numbers until you get the one you want.

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IT engineers begin installing update 1 of 14,885 to MayBot Operating System ahead of TV Brexit debate

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Following Theresa May’s announcement of her intention to hold a televised debate with Jeremy Corbyn on her Brexit deal, software engineers are frantically attempting to make sure her operating system is as good as it can be.

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Richard Scudamore ‘to donate entire £5 million Premier League pay-off to grass roots football’

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Richard Scudamore, who will leave his role as the Premier League’s executive chairman next month, has announced that he will donate his entire multi-million pound ‘leaving present’ to help the development of the game at a base-level across England.

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UAE seeking plaudits for pardoning ‘spy’ who can’t read or speak the language he was sent to spy in

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The famously liberal government of the United Arab Emirates are seeking plaudits from the UK for their act of pardoning a ‘convicted spy’ who can’t read or speak the language of the country he had been sent to spy on.

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Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn set for TV debate on best way to polish a turd

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Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn will go head-to-head in a live televised debate to decide which of them has the best approach to turd polishing.

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NASA receives signal from Mars saying Brexit deal is shit

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NASA’s InSight probe has sent back a mysterious signal from the Red Planet stating that Theresa May’s Brexit deal is a pile of wank.

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People who insisted Barack Obama should stay out of Brexit debate loudly telling everyone to listen to Donald Trump

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The decision on whether the President of the United States should be listened to on issues relating to Brexit largely depends on whether they say things you agree with, according to new research conducted this morning.

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Marks & Spencer launches Believed-In-Court underwear line for Ireland

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In a response to the current discussion about thongs and consent in Ireland, the famous store has just announced the release of a whole line of underwear that they claim will finally give credibility to plaintiffs in sexual assault cases.

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