Benny Hill cosplayer and occasional prime minister, Boris Johnson, has explained his vision for a progressive end to the lockdown which would begin with bringing back some eye candy for gents whose current shag is being tetchy, and eventually moving to a full return of delightful young things who know a thing or two about discretion.
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Producers of ITV2’s ironically classified intellectual property, Love Island, have cancelled 2020’s series after it became clear that the contestants would be unable to fuck whilst keeping 2m apart.
The government has pledged to continue doing everything it can to look like it’s doing everything it can to defeat coronavirus.
A local man who has not left his house in almost two months has been informed that the rest of the world is actually also in lockdown, after it was confirmed that he had spent the entire time playing the new Animal Crossing: New Horizons video game.
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