UK

Media confirms the parents of sick children must announce their political affiliations before anyone listens to their concerns

The media has spoken out regarding the incident involving Boris Johnson’s denial of reality in a London hospital yesterday, insisting that the concerned parents of sick children should only be allowed to address the prime minister once we know their voting history.

Boris Johnson to tour country in big red bus with ‘There’s no press here’ on the side

The Prime Minister has realised that blatant lies only really work when written on the side of a large red vehicle.

Bank of Mum and Dad to seek government bailout after paying for summer holidays and new school uniforms

Britains biggest lender, the Bank of Mum and Dad, is understood to be under ‘severe pressure’ after funding both summer holidays and new school uniforms in the last few weeks.

Satire site receives one millionth “I thought this was supposed to be satire” comment on Facebook

An online satire site has today received its one-millionth comment along the lines of ‘this is not satire’, after it was posted on the site’s Facebook page.

Theresa May to move bastards about a bit

Government responds to NHS crisis with emergency deployment of half-arsed apologies

People who are happy to spend £3.70 on a coffee losing their shit about paying 25p for cup

Streets of Windsor to be clogged by notorious family demanding free hand-outs

UKIP now stands for ‘United Kingdom Independent Penises’ confirms leader

Toby Young hopes ‘cracking knockers’ will be on show at freshers’ week, say friends

Workers to mark ‘Fat Cat Thursday’ by obediently swallowing more corporate gravy

Gym worker watching New Year members wishing he’d paid attention during CPR training

Scots panic-buying Irn-Bru amid plans to remove girders from the recipe

Injured and malnourished family rescued from quick game of Boxing Day Monopoly

You can’t blame me for the NHS, I’m only in charge of everything, says Jeremy Hunt

Get the homeless away from that big castle full of hundreds of spare rooms, demands Tory council leader

‘Cheese better than sex’ insist people who are terrible at sex

Judy Murray to bid for new son as transfer window opens

Theresa May to appease grumpy commuters by turning rail tickets blue

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