UK

Boris Johnson responded decisively to Iran crisis by having a wank in Mustique swimming pool, says Downing Street

Faced with accusations, that he was lazing on a beach during a growing crisis that could see British soldiers killed, Downing Street affirmed the PM showed bold action by stealthily tossing off in the private resort pool before getting drunk and watching people dive in with their mouths open.

Dead people snubbing Derek Acorah in afterlife for career spent pretending to talk to them

Derek Acorah has found that people in the after-life are a lot less chatty than he thought they might be, given his career spent pretending to talk to them.

Missing persons case opened after ‘Dracula’ writer vanished up his own arse

Detectives are understood to be baffled this morning after the writer of BBC’s ‘Dracula’ vanished up his own arse.

Man who went to supermarket for milk ‘because it’s cheaper’ comes back having spent £58

A man who went to the supermarket because the milk ‘is cheaper than at the local shop’ has returned having spent £58.

Black people at royal wedding totally makes up for Windrush, insist tabloids

Actress preparing to say something to Bishop

Sid James delighted to hear Prince Charles is taking Meghan Markle right up the aisle

“I’m not interested in the Royal Wedding” the new “I’m a vegan”

UK

Charles to walk Meghan down aisle as neither her nor Harry’s father available

UK

Prince Harry’s stag party guests arrive in full Nazi uniforms

Meghan Markle to wear ‘normal wedding dress’ and donate £300,000 to the homeless in Windsor

Nation votes 52% vs 48% in favour of Laurel, Yanny’s told to get over it

Gareth Southgate reveals England’s 23-strong World Cup excuse list

House value falls by £40,000 after neighbour gets his shirt off in the garden

Windsor homeless avoid being moved on after draping Union Jacks over their sleeping bags

Making the trains run on time will come naturally to this government, insists Grayling

New law designed to stop you receiving unwanted email generating terabytes of unwanted email

Nigel Farage greets peers by saying “Wassup, ma gammon”

UK

Definition of insanity to include ‘queuing outside for five days for a wedding you’re not invited to’

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