UK

NHS staff relieved as Government announces a 129% increase in supply of meaningless gestures

To counter accusations that they had dealt with the pandemic with all the composure of a hen party being denied entry to a Blackpool nightclub, the government has announced it has finally secured a constant supply of cheap badges, evening claps and minutes of silence.

‘We can’t get a babysitter’ not a valid excuse for avoiding Zoom social, realise horrified couple

A couple are struggling to avoid spending time with friends now that their go-to excuses no longer work.

Man cancels gym membership he never uses to subscribe to fitness app he’ll never open

A man has stopped wasting money on a gym membership he never used and has started wasting money on an online fitness class he never attends.

I had the lockdown haircut before it was cool, confirms Boris

At today’s beauty conference Boris Johnson confidently stepped out sporting an expensive tailored suit and his pre-coronavirus haircut.

2019 already shit

Britain almost back to pooing normally

Theresa May spent New Year’s Eve absolutely caning it through a field of wheat

Schrödinger’s celebrity attends Jools Holland’s Hootenanny while simultaneously watching it at home

Mickey telling your battered liver to “get up, you son of a bitch!” for New Year’s Eve

Nation busy making pathetic last-minute attempt at 2018’s New Year’s resolutions

What the heck have you done to Hercule Poirot, BBC asked

Come register with us, says department that managed to deport British citizens

UK

Santa has the back to work blues and can’t really be arsed with this shit

Outcry as new Watership Down fails to traumatise entire generation of children

City built on sausage rolls declared unfit for human habitation

Santa’s sleigh grounded indefinitely due to some Lapland knobhead with a drone

Christmas ruined as Chris Rea’s car fails MOT

Annoying drone traced to Jacob Rees-Mogg’s mouth

Drone sales shoot up as arseholes realise they can shut down whole airports

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