UK

BBC replaces Nichola Sturgeon’s pandemic briefings with Jamie Oliver making curried haggis

Following a perfectly legitimate chat with the leader of the Scottish Tories, the BBC has decided that the people of Scotland don’t need to know about government measures to contain COVID 19 and would much prefer to hear what English people think of their culture.

Boris Johnson proposes ‘moonshot’ plan to defeat Covid using Jedi space magic

Prime Minister Boris fucking Johnson has proposed a bold new ‘moonshot’ initiative to eliminate coronavirus using Jedi space magic.

Seven Dwarfs eject Sneezy

A group of friends has evicted it’s most infectious member to comply with new government guidelines.

All the time in the world was not enough

Dame Diana Rigg, who neither Ernst Stavro Blofeld nor Cersei Lannister could finish for good, has finally run out of time today.

Nigel Farage looking unhappy

Nigel Farage slams Nigel Farage for stating he ‘would pick up a rifle’

Sarah Sanders interested in working for another New York-born truth-avoiding Muslim-bashing adulterer

Liberal Democrats form new breakaway party to escape Chuka Umunna

Andrea Leadsom to return to the late 1950s

Esther McVey to be humanely destroyed after falling at first fence in Tory leadership race

Sadiq Khan congratulated for making London a Jim Davidson-free zone

Boris Johnson pleads with Chris Grayling to back a different Tory leadership candidate

You don’t f**k with Lorraine Kelly, country learns

Millennial diligently saving for flat deposit and to pay for rich old people’s free stuff

Massive snowflake demands end to free speech over joke he didn’t like

Andrea Leadsom pledges return of 1542 Witchcraft Act

Brexiter insists climate emergency doesn’t exist because he had to wear a jumper for a few days in June

Rory Stewart set to become the wettest Tory on record

Boris leadership campaign to be launched by man disguised as Boris in order to prevent gaffes

Government disappointed BBC aren’t buying groceries for families who use food banks

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