UK

Having a ‘Wet Ass Pussy’ not linked to Covid vaccine either, confirms Professor Chris Whitty

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WAP is not linked to receiving the vaccine for coronavirus, Britain’s Chief Medical Officer has today confirmed.

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Priti Patel orders HMS Vigil to patrol the channel and nuke any dinghies carrying asylum seekers

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The Home Secretary Priti Patel has instructed the crew of HMS Vigil to patrol the English Channel with nuclear warheads at the ready, it has emerged.

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Save for another two hours and you’ll have enough for a house deposit, Therese Coffey tells young people

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Work and Pensions Secretary Therese Coffey has advised millennials struggling to get a foot on the property ladder that all they need to do is save for another two hours.

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“WAKE UP” concludes nonsense-spewing gonk

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A man who has written four paragraphs of reality-free bullshit has concluded his short essay with the straightforwardly funny conclusion of “WAKE UP”.

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‘Just don’t get sick’ – Government confirms plans to manage Covid during winter

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The Government have confirmed their plan to manage Covid during the winter period. They will be asking everyone to not get sick.

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IT Department confirm that you are not allowed to access porn in the office

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In what might prove to be the most difficult aspect of the transition from home-working to going back to the office, the IT department have confirmed that you will not be allowed to access porn at your desk.

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Brexit victory as empty Wetherspoons pint glasses to be stamped with crown logo

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Brexiters have today declared victory as Wetherspoons pint glasses – rendered empty and useless by Brexit-related beer shortages – will now be marked with the crown logo.

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Border Force agents on jetskis set to challenge real estate agents in Audis for 2021 Prick Awards

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The long dominance of the Prick Awards by property salespeople in German sedans, could finally end this year after the Home Office decided to put chubby closet racists in blackshirts on watercraft usually associated with inexplicably wealthy idiots from Florida.

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Parents celebrate ‘Make whatever you can find in the house into a Roald Dahl costume’ day

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Parents are celebrating ‘somehow make whatever stuff you can find around the house into a Roald Dahl costume’ day today.

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Fatima’s next job wasn’t in cyber, she’s now an HGV driver

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A ballet dancer who lost her job during the pandemic last year is now a lorry driver for Tesco, it has emerged.

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