UK

130,000 deaths due to austerity was a personal best but I could have killed more, says wistful Cameron

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David Cameron has revealed that his killing spree could have been even greater if he’d committed a little more effort to inflict austerity upon the nation.

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“Why does no one like me” wonders lying, racist, back-stabbing, divisive, greedy, self-serving prick

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Boris Johnson is trying to work out why he keeps getting abuse in the street.

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Brexiter excited to learn if Supreme Court justices are brave patriots or despicable traitors

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Brexiter Derek Williams is closely watching developments at the Supreme Court, excited to learn whether the judges hearing the case on prorogation are wonderful patriots worthy of their role, or lickspittle traitors who should be hung.

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Drowning children must pass British Citizenship test before being rescued, confirms Daily Mail

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After publishing a controversial article on Mail Online yesterday which has led to some RNLI supporters cancelling their donations, the Daily Mail has today been forced to clarify their position on the RNLI’s overseas work.

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Netflix confirms production of Avengers spinoff based around entitled posh twats from England

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Boris Johnson was given a boost this morning as Netflix supported his assertion that he was akin to Marvel superhero Hulk and that it had already started filming a TV reboot of the Avengers featuring incredibly privileged snobbish Brits who believe power is their birthright.

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Former MP Chris Grayling releases autobiography without any paper in it

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Former Transport Secretary Chris Grayling attempts to emulate David Cameron in releasing an autobiography has resulted in it being released containing no pages whatsoever.

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Andrex signs exclusive deal to publish absorbent version of David Cameron’s memoirs

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Well-known toilet paper manufacturer and Labrador puppy model agency, Andrex, is to publish a unique serialisation of David Cameron’s memoirs, it has emerged.

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RNLI donations plummet on revelation that 2% of money raised is spent hauling Daily Mail readers from the Solent

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The RNLI is facing a funding crisis this morning after they let slip that a significant proportion of their budget is pissed away hauling gammons out the Solent.

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New Facebook IQ test sees millions of simpletons tricked into posting “I support Boris 100%”

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A new test to determine the IQ of Facebook users has seen millions of idiots tricked into posting “I support Boris 100%” on random Facebook threads.

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New James Bond film to feature search for golden toilet stolen from Blenheim palace, leaked script reveals

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The script for the forthcoming James Bond film has been leaked, indicates it will focus on a search for the golden toilet stolen from Blenheim. The title will be The Man With The Golden Bog.

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