UK

Nigel Farage quits UKIP to spend more time with his ego

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Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has quit the party entirely after deciding to spend more time with his ego.

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‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ banned for disrespecting other religious festivals

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Wizzard’s classic Christmas song is being banned by several radio stations due to its obvious contempt for other religious holidays.

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“The trains in my spare bedroom always run on time, so I know what I’m doing” insists Chris Grayling

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Chris Grayling has responded to accusations that he is to blame for the National Rail timetable chaos, claiming that the miniature railway network in the spare bedroom of his house always runs on time.

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Jeremy Corbyn calls for ‘meaningful public vote’ on the final outcome of Strictly

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Jeremy Corbyn has astonished Westminster by unequivocally backing a clear and meaningful public vote on the outcome of Strictly Come Dancing.

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Britain responds to David Attenborough’s heartfelt climate change plea by attaching sixty trillion Christmas lights to its rooftops

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Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.

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Theresa May tells Parliament ‘I would have shared full legal advice on Brexit deal but the dog ate it’

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Theresa May has told Parliament that she wanted to publish the full legal advice on her Brexit deal but, sadly, her dog ate it before she had a chance to do so.

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X Factor winner Dalton Harris given zero hours recording contract

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After government confirmation that zero-hours contracts are in fact ‘real’ jobs, Simon Cowell has moved to award one to X Factor winner Dalton Harris.

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Brexit deal legal advice revealed to be Chinese fortune cookie

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The Prime Minister has finally agreed to publish details of the advice she received when drawing up her Brexit deal – revealing it was a positive affirmation from a fortune cookie.

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Vegan upset at being sacked for gross misconduct told ‘no point in crying over spilt milk’

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A vegan who is taking their former employer to a tribunal after being sacked for disclosing that they invested pension funds in firms involved in animal testing, has been told to get over themselves.

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Simon Cowell wins X Factor for record 15th time

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Simon Cowell shocked morons everywhere last night by dramatically securing his fifteenth successive victory in ITV’s X Factor.

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