UK

Government that can’t make its own MPs support it genuinely believes it can stop teenagers from wanking

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In what is seen as yet another example of Theresa May’s inability to face reality, the government is going ahead with a plan to stop minors accessing pornography using a registration method that will take the average person about seven seconds to get around.

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Grenfell survivors regret not installing stained glass windows to ensure a quick rebuild after fire

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Former Grenfell residents have expressed regret that they didn’t splash out on pretty stained glass windows before their tower burned down.

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Nigel Farage livid after learning that Stonehenge was built by Turkish immigrants

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Nigel Farage is throwing a wobbly this morning after learning that Stonehenge was constructed by immigrants.

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Opinion: Resurgam, or ‘I shall rise again’

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In 1666, after the Great Fire of London, Christopher Wren found a stone with the word ‘Resurgam’ – I shall rise again – in the ashes of St Paul’s cathedral. That stone now sits above the doorway of the building he devoted his life to creating.

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Daily Mail ‘journalist’ spontaneously combusts as Shamima Begum is granted legal aid

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Following reports that ISIS bride-slash-reality television hate figure, Shamima Begum, was granted legal aid to challenge the revocation of her British citizenship, firefighters were called to reports of spontaneous human combustions of numerous red-faced gammons at the Daily Mail offices in London.

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DNA tests reveals Stonehenge was a neolithic monument to kebabs

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Scientists comparing DNA samples have proven that the 3000-year-old British landmark was constructed by early Anatolian settlers and is now thought to be an elaborate Turkish restaurant.

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‘Line of Duty’ jargon to get its own spin-off series

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A ‘Line of Duty’ spin-off is to include record levels of capital letters.

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Joey Barton and Barnsley manager clash over Kant’s categorical imperative

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Fleetwood Town FC manager and Renaissance man, Joey Barton, has come to blows with rival boss, Daniel Stendel, over the controversial philosophy of eighteenth-century German thinker, Immanuel Kant, it has been revealed.

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Who the hell is DCI Hargreaves?, asks Britain

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Nobody has a clue who DCI Hargreaves is, it has emerged.

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Terrorism threat reduced to negligible after GCHQ crack Frank Sidebottom’s secret codes

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UK citizens will get a sound night’s sleep tonight after Frank Sidebottom’s encrypted data was found to pose no significant threat to sentient lifeforms.

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