Santa’s delightful little elven helper, who hides around the house watching for naughty children in the run-up to Christmas, has been given the power to report people for breaking lockdown and issue on the spot fines and perform immediate arrests if necessary.
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The government has expressed confidence that the soon-to-be jobless employees of the collapsed Arcadia group will be given fair compensation by Sir Philip Green, a porcine billionaire once knighted for his services to grotesquely avaricious arseholery.
The government has declared that a ‘scotch egg’ will count as a substantial meal during Tier 2 and 3 lockdowns, following a sizeable donation to the Tory party by a mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch.
Tins of Quality Street are getting smaller so fast they will be invisible to the naked eye ‘within the decade’, scientists have confirmed.
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