The alien from the latest John Lewis advert barely made it 24 hours in Britain before catching the coronavirus which is being allowed to run rampant across the country.
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The Home Secretary is fuming this morning after learning of an immigrant who has arrived in the country by spaceship.
As a result of recent government action, professional lobbyist Owen Paterson has declared that he regretfully had no choice but to follow the market and raise his customary fees, but did say he expected to have increased opportunities to sell influence.
As Boris Johnson’s involvement in COP26 comes to an end, a grateful nation is relaxed knowing that the urgent climate emergency is being addressed by the worst possible person at the worst possible time.
Keep up with the latest bouts of catastrophic
bellendry from all around the world.
