UK

Epidemiologists insist on playing on Ian Brown’s new album

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Epidemiologists have launched a stinging criticism of Ian Brown’s music and have announced that they will form the band on his new album to try and improve things.

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Watch out for blonde politicians with high sex drives in your cyber career, Jennifer Arcuri warns Fatima

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Jennifer Arcuri has issued a warning to any female dancers who are preparing to retrain in cyber, especially those who don’t know it yet.

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History teacher in year 2120 tells class that lockdown of 2020 was ‘economic suicide’ as everyone saved now dead anyway

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A humanoid history teacher in the year 2120 has spent the morning telling its class about the great lockdown of 2020, and how the economic cost has been proven to be a complete waste of resources because everyone saved is now dead anyway.

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Mutilated voters in the North starting to wonder if voting for Leopards Eating Northerners Party was a good move

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As the ruling LEN Party imposes harsh leopard attacks on the North that have so far not been applied to the Home Counties, many of the so-called ‘Leopard Wall’ converts have admitted that they might have made a mistake voting for a party that has openly detested them for decades.

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Man who quit gym insists he still has an Australian-style deal with them

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35-year-old Simon Williams has quit his local gym but insists he is moving to an Australian-style deal with them, which will provide him with exactly the same membership benefits as other non-members.

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Government to use money saved by refusing to feed hungry children to hire three new full-time track and trace consultants

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The government is to use the money saved from not feeding millions of hungry children over the Christmas school holidays, for three brand new track and trace consultants to work full time in December.

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Government to address Covid tier confusion by giving everyone their own individual alert level

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In an attempt to clear up all the confusion about who’s in which Covid tier, the government has decided to allocate alert levels on an individual basis to each of the nation’s 70 million residents.

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Man hoping for ‘Australia-style deal’ with his local pub after getting barred

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A man who told the bartender at his local to fuck himself and insisted he’d never drink there again is hoping to gain access to the bar and restaurant under an Australia-style deal, it has emerged.

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No-deal Brexit will be ‘brilliant for Britain’, insists complete f*cking moron

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A ‘hard no-deal Brexit’ is the best option for Britain and the experts claiming it will inflict devastating harm on the economy are definitely wrong, insists a complete fucking moron this morning.

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Theatre retrains as Wetherspoons

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A listed building in central London is having to retrain as a piss-soaked boozer because its current job as a West End theatre is no longer viable.

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