UK

‘Why weren’t The Kaiser Chiefs impeached for I Predict A Riot?’ rages Donald Trump

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In a statement, US President Donald Trump has questioned why Leeds indie rock band ‘The Kaiser Chiefs’ were not impeached in 2004 for their smash hit song ‘I Predict A Riot’.

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Government’s post-Covid plans for killing people include nuclear strike and water poisoning

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With the vaccine programme meaning that excess deaths due to the Covid will hopefully soon come to an end, the Government has set up a working group to explore new ways it can kill people.

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Government to make new Brazilian variant available to everyone in UK ‘within weeks’

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The government has confirmed that it expects the new variant of the coronavirus recently discovered in Brazil to be made available to everyone in the UK within the next few weeks.

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Iain Duncan Smith boasts he could easily live on a money bag half-filled with tuna

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Iain Duncan Smith is harder than your kids, he has confirmed this morning.

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‘You shouldn’t have kids unless you can foresee every single thing for the next eighteen years’ insist morons

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Unless you’re an actual fortune teller, you shouldn’t have kids, according to various morons today.

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‘You can’t trust Tories with free school meal money as they’ll only waste it on profits for their mates’ insist benefit recipients

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Benefit recipients have sensationally claimed that Tories would only fritter away free school meal money on profit for their mates.

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Man who calls Twitter bans ‘Orwellian’ very confused as to why people ask him about some Winston Smith chap

Thumbnail image for Man who calls Twitter bans ‘Orwellian’ very confused as to why people ask him about some Winston Smith chap

A human irritant that you kept on your Facebook feed out of foolish nostalgia is growing increasingly irate about being asked weird questions discussing something called Ingsoc each time he goes on a rant about Trump not being allowed to Tweet calls to riot.

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Government warns ‘If you don’t follow the rules we’ll make them even more complicated’

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The government has warned today that if people do not follow the current ambiguous rules surrounding coronavirus restrictions, they will have no option but to make them even more complicated.

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‘That’s all you get for thirty quid after Brexit’ confirm Chartwells

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The company contracted to provide free meals to school children has justified the meagre amount of food provided in their hampers by claiming that a few tins of baked beans and a couple of bananas are all you get for £30 in post-Brexit Britain.

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Man insists Boris Johnson’s performance should only be compared to alternate reality where Jeremy Corbyn won election

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A staunch supporter of the current government has today insisted Boris Johnson’s first full year in office since his general election victory should only be compared to a very specific alternative universe in which Jeremy Corbyn won.

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