UK

‘I’m fine without a carrier bag’ insists man balancing seventy-two items of food on his body

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A man refusing to purchase a carrier bag after forgetting to bring his own to the supermarket has insisted today that he is absolutely fine without one, whilst balancing seventy two items of food on his body. 

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Government split on whether to use the Sue Gray report to distract from inflation catastrophe or vice-versa

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Sources inside Downing Street have confirmed a growing rift in Cabinet between those who want to use an astounding collapse of living standards in Tory Britain to distract from a report showing how Number 10 is full of incompetent drunks, and those that think the opposite.

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“In the beginning was the Big Bang…” begins surprisingly detailed Sue Gray partygate report

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Sue Gray’s reporting into lockdown lawbreaking at Number 10 Downing Street is understood to have surprised even her closest colleagues with its impressive level of detail.

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Doncaster homeless man delighted with upgrade that now sees him sleeping under the ‘bright lights of a big city’

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There has been a rapturous reaction amongst several homeless communities this morning, following the news that they will no longer have to sleep on the streets of small, insignificant towns and will instead spend their nights under the lights of a big bright city.

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Channel 4 should be funded like that streaming service I also appear to have no clue about, insists Nadine Dorries

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Nadine Dorries has moved swiftly on from not understanding how Channel 4 is funded, to insisting it should be more like Netflix, a streaming service whose model she understands so well she regularly violates their terms of use.

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Report: Everyone still f**king furious

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Following an extensive study that included interviews, surveys and examination of social media it has been possible to conclude that everyone is still absolutely f**king furious. There are a wide variety of things that seem to make people so angry, including having to get up to go to work, the price of a pint, being […]

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Government announces new windfall tax to cover the cost of investigating Downing Street staff

Tory windfall tax

The government is to finally introduce a new windfall tax on energy companies it is revealed today, to cover the massive cost of police investigations into law-breaking by Downing Street staff. With ‘partygate’ investigations finally coming to an end this week, along with further investigations now underway into a Tory MP for rape, a new […]

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Sir Keir Starmer to raise profile with release of funk covers album and short tour

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Apparent leader of the opposition Sir Keir Starmer is to make an attempt to raise his profile amongst voters with the release of a funk covers album and a short tour of mid-range venues around the country.

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Egg-covered statue of Margaret Thatcher officially declared a food bank

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The government has today announced that the egg-spattered statue of former UK despot Margaret Thatcher, erected in Grantham on Sunday, is to be officially recognised as a food bank and become a ‘key source of nutrition’ for the local community.

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Met Police release Tory MP accused of rape after establishing he’s not black

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The Met Police have released the Tory MP accused of rape and sexual assault on bail after establishing beyond doubt that he is not black.

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