UK

President of Supreme Court did A-Level French and so is clearly biased, says appalled Daily Mail

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The Daily Mail has discovered that all the judges of the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom are disgusting deviants who love foreign ways.

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Woman who turned TV volume down during loud bit now can’t hear what people are saying

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A woman who turned down the volume on the TV during what she described as an ‘unnecessarily loud bit’ is now unable to hear a conversation between two of the characters, according to reports today.

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I’ll be whatever you want me to be, teases a flirtatious Jeremy Corbyn

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Jeremy Corbyn has once again proved a delightfully alluring little creature when he responded to a direct question, over what side he would support in a second Brexit referendum, by lasciviously saying he’ll let you decide before reclining on a couch and biting his lower lip.

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Luxembourg PM says that if you come to his gaff and give it lip then you’re going to get a slapping

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Xavier Bettel, Prime Minister of the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg and a lad who can handle himself, told journalists that his treatment of Boris Johnson might seem a bit OTT but you should only come east of the Alzette if you’re proper tasty and not a gobby muppet.

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Drunken Boris Johnson staggers into Supreme Court and demands trial-by-combat

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Boris Johnson has shocked everybody by doing something stupendously daft.

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130,000 deaths due to austerity was a personal best but I could have killed more, says wistful Cameron

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David Cameron has revealed that his killing spree could have been even greater if he’d committed a little more effort to inflict austerity upon the nation.

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“Why does no one like me” wonders lying, racist, back-stabbing, divisive, greedy, self-serving prick

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Boris Johnson is trying to work out why he keeps getting abuse in the street.

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Brexiter excited to learn if Supreme Court justices are brave patriots or despicable traitors

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Brexiter Derek Williams is closely watching developments at the Supreme Court, excited to learn whether the judges hearing the case on prorogation are wonderful patriots worthy of their role, or lickspittle traitors who should be hung.

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Drowning children must pass British Citizenship test before being rescued, confirms Daily Mail

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After publishing a controversial article on Mail Online yesterday which has led to some RNLI supporters cancelling their donations, the Daily Mail has today been forced to clarify their position on the RNLI’s overseas work.

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Netflix confirms production of Avengers spinoff based around entitled posh twats from England

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Boris Johnson was given a boost this morning as Netflix supported his assertion that he was akin to Marvel superhero Hulk and that it had already started filming a TV reboot of the Avengers featuring incredibly privileged snobbish Brits who believe power is their birthright.

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