UK

School uniform suppliers launch ‘my first hazmat suit’ range for concerned parents

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Parents concerned for the safety of their children upon their return to school have been offered peace of mind by opportunistic school uniform manufacturers who will now provide children’s Grade A  certified Hazmat suits in the school colours of your choice.

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BBC and Sky News neck and neck in race to see who will be first to film a dinghy actually sinking

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News teams from the BBC and Sky news are locked in a tense battle to capture the first footage of a dinghy actually collapsing in front of them in the English Channel.

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Scientists urged to divert attention away from Coronavirus vaccine to create pillow that stays cool all night

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Scientists have been urged to put their brainpower to something more critical the nation’s well-being than a Coronavirus vaccine and to solve the mystery of the pillow that won’t stay cool during the night.

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Russian Covid vaccine to be tested on Salisbury door handles

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The highly promising Russian COVID vaccine is to be tested in now the customary manner – by applying it furtively to doorknobs in the Greater Wiltshire area, it has emerged.

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Donald Trump evacuated from White House briefing room for his own protection after reporter asks him to count to ten

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Donald Trump was evacuated from the White House press briefing room last night after it was determined that a reporter’s request for the president to count to ten on live television represented “a clear and present danger” to his approval rating.

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Boris Johnson confident system of rolling dice to determine exam results is robust and fair

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson has sought to reassure pupils awaiting exam results that his system of rolling dice to determine A-level grades is both robust and fair.

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“We have the resources to help refugees, but we definitely shouldn’t,” claims hideous human

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We shouldn’t help the “Others”, according to some fuckwits today.

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Man who spent June insisting ‘All Lives Matter’ now calling for Navy to sink migrant boats crossing the Channel

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A man who spent most of June and July tweeting #AllLivesMatter whenever anyone called to help a particular sub-group of our society, has today decided that the way to stop migrants crossing the channel is by having the Navy sink their boats.

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Cool side of the pillow also hot

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A state of emergency was declared in bed last night when it was discovered that the cool side of the pillow was also hot.

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Couple’s argument over who had the worst night’s sleep spills into third hour

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A couple, who hardly slept a wink last night due to the extreme heat and humidity in their bedroom have entered their third hour of intense arguing over who actually slept the least.

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