Technology

New Apple Watch will mock you when you fall over

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The Apple Watch Series 4 will offer a sarcasm mode to mock you when you fall over.

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iPhone XS to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology

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The new iPhone XS will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.

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Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit

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Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend £1,000 on the new iPhone Xs.

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“Stop me before I tweet again,” begs emotional Elon Musk

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Serial entrepreneur and social media accident waiting to happen Elon Musk has begged friends to take his phone off him whilst he still has a company to lose.

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Twitter ban forces InfoWars’ Alex Jones to go door-to-door selling conspiracy theories

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As Twitter finally banned controversial conspiracy theorist Alex Jones from their platform, America’s finest moron-baiter has been forced to start selling his conspiracies door-to-door.

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‘Mum is typing…’ displayed on WhatsApp for fifth consecutive hour

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A parent is taking forever to respond on a messaging app, according to reports this afternoon.

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Donald Trump becomes first person in nine years to use Bing search engine

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Microsoft has expressed delight today at the news that someone has used their search engine, even if it was the half-witted President of America.

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Alexa confirms your music taste is ‘total shit’

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Alexa, the sinister overlord who sits in your living room listening to everything you say, has issued a statement confirming that your music taste is terrible.

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Country where trains are routinely stopped by leaves begins space race with EU

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The UK, a nation that hasn’t launched a rocket into space since 1979, has thrown down the gauntlet to the European Space Agency and decided it would launch a rival GPS network to Galileo despite every single IT project started by the British government turning to utter shit.

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Shock and confusion as weather app on phone gets forecast wrong

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Nobody knows what to trust anymore as a normally 100% reliable weather app didn’t accurately predict the day’s meteorological conditions.

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