Technology

Deliveroo driver definitely thinks you’re a lazy, greedy bastard

Thumbnail image for Deliveroo driver definitely thinks you’re a lazy, greedy bastard

Your constant, obscenely large takeaway orders mean that your Deliveroo driver has you pegged as an overindulgent loser.

Read the full article →

US hire Russian ransomware experts in attempt to brick military hardware left in Afghanistan

Thumbnail image for US hire Russian ransomware experts in attempt to brick military hardware left in Afghanistan

The United States has hired the creme de la creme of Russia’s ransomware experts in attempts to brick all the military hardware that’s been left as welcoming gifts for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Read the full article →

Man forced to admit he’s past it after Youtube algorithm recommends he watch some Top Gear

Thumbnail image for Man forced to admit he’s past it after Youtube algorithm recommends he watch some Top Gear

Simon Williams, a 43-year-old English teacher, has seen his illusions of being in touch with the zeitgeist brutally shattered after Youtube told him they think he’d like the cultural equivalent of elasticated trousers and a rant about the price rise of chocolate Freddos.

Read the full article →

Standard model of physics to be rewritten after cat breaks speed of light travelling from the settee to an opening fridge door

Thumbnail image for Standard model of physics to be rewritten after cat breaks speed of light travelling from the settee to an opening fridge door

Physicists around the world have conceded the standard model is irretrievably broken after local cat Mister Shufflebottom exceeded the speed of light travelling between the sitting room and an opening can of food.

Read the full article →

‘It’s definitely worth the money’ says man now colour printing shopping lists to justify printer ink subscription

Thumbnail image for ‘It’s definitely worth the money’ says man now colour printing shopping lists to justify printer ink subscription

A man who is now colour printing shopping lists to justify his printer ink subscription has insisted today that the monthly fee he pays for printer ink is definitely worth the money.

Read the full article →

OnlyFans subscribers now at a complete loss as to where to find pornography on the Internet

Thumbnail image for OnlyFans subscribers now at a complete loss as to where to find pornography on the Internet

Following the announcement by the subscription site OnlyFans that they will block all sexually explicit photos and videos on the site from 1st October, desperate users have been sent into a state of panic.

Read the full article →

OnlyFans CEO only person on Earth to believe married men who say they subscribe for the cultural content

Thumbnail image for OnlyFans CEO only person on Earth to believe married men who say they subscribe for the cultural content

Although OnlyFans’ decision to ban sexually explicit content surprised many people who thought it was its core business model, the company explained that, when asked in front of spouses or partners, most subscribers said they enjoyed live music and cooking demos.

Read the full article →

Cyclist repeatedly fails Captcha test after failing to identify images with traffic lights

Thumbnail image for Cyclist repeatedly fails Captcha test after failing to identify images with traffic lights

Local cyclist Simon Williams has failed to access his favourite website this morning after it asked him to identify which images of a street contained traffic lights.

Read the full article →

Wise Internet sage transitions seamlessly from expertise in epidemiology to expertise in Afghan geopolitics

Thumbnail image for Wise Internet sage transitions seamlessly from expertise in epidemiology to expertise in Afghan geopolitics

A man on Twitter has today segued neatly from explaining the epidemiological aspects of coronavirus to perfectly explaining what’s gone wrong in Afghanistan.

Read the full article →

Scientists confirm belief that people smoking a cigar in their profile pics are utter wankers

Thumbnail image for Scientists confirm belief that people smoking a cigar in their profile pics are utter wankers

A year-long wide study of over 87 million social media profiles has scientifically confirmed what used to be received folk wisdom; that anyone with a close-up of their head smoking a large cigar are irredeemable pricks who should be avoided at all costs.

Read the full article →