Technology

Parliament launches Memberhub service where public can watch MPs f*cking the country

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Parliament has today launched the Memberhub service, a new lockdown inspired service where the public can log on and watch MPs brutally fucking the entire country.

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Woman who brought cakes to weekly team Zoom meeting starting to feel sick

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A woman who thoughtfully brought along a selection of cakes for the weekly office Zoom meeting has announced that, actually, she’s starting to feel a bit sick now.

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Coronavirus tracing app will also monitor your tone of voice, confirms Matt Hancock

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The Coronavirus tracing app that is currently being trialled in the Isle of Wight has had a patch installed today that allows the software to also monitor the tone of voice used for any government criticism, it has emerged.

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You won’t laugh at my child’s name when he’s Emperor of Mars, insists Elon Musk

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People laughing at Elon Musk calling his newborn son X Æ A-12 will be sorry when they’re battling his atomic space-legions in thirty years time, Elon Musk has predicted this morning.

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Man who has spent last six weeks inside playing Animal Crossing informed of coronavirus lockdown

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A local man who has not left his house in almost two months has been informed that the rest of the world is actually also in lockdown, after it was confirmed that he had spent the entire time playing the new Animal Crossing: New Horizons video game.

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Colleague immediately judged during Zoom call for bookshelf full of Mills & Boon

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HR manager Simone Williams was today silently and immediately judged by her colleagues during a Zoom call in which she appeared to sit in front of a bookcase filled with trashy novels by Mills & Boon.

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Elon Musk wakes from three-day bender hoping he didn’t say anything stupid

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Elon Musk has finally come down from being high as a kite for the last three days and expressed a hope he didn’t say anything he might regret whilst off his tits.

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Zoom CEO still can’t believe how lucky he got with last year’s birthday wish

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Zoom CEO and recent purchaser of a personal tennis court, Eric Yuan, has reportedly told inside sources that he still can’t believe how well his birthday wish from last year has turned out.

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Man left wondering where to find latest news about the Reptoids that secretly run the world after David Icke banned from Facebook

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A gullible simpleton is this afternoon struggling to find out the latest news about the Reptoids that secretly run everything after David Icke was banned from Facebook.

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Sleepily confused woman attends Zoom meeting topless but with immaculate, professional trousers on

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A half-asleep and confused woman attended an early-morning Zoom meeting topless but wearing immaculate and professional trousers.

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