Technology

Technology that allowed paralysed man to walk again is better late than never, insists Jesus

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An amazing new technology, developed by really clever scientists in Switzerland, has allowed a man with a severed spinal cord to walk again, a somewhat belated miracle welcomed by the son of God.

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Goddamn luddite buys piece of art and hangs it on wall like he’s Amish or something

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A man is being roundly mocked on social media today after buying a piece of physical art he liked and putting it on his wall in a place he can regularly look at it.

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Spotify cancels Joe Rogan podcast after Cheeky Girls threaten to pull their albums

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Following the protest withdrawal of his catalogue by legendary artist Neil Young over Spotify’s contract with notorious sharer of anti-vax misinformation, Joe Rogan, the streaming service has finally given in to public outcry after it was warned that listeners might no longer listen to Cheeky Flamenco.

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Audi driver repeatedly fails Captcha test after failing to identify images with cyclists

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Local Audi driver Simon Williams has failed to access his favourite website this morning after it asked him to identify which images contained cyclists.

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Machines able to distract humans by shutting down entire Matrix except Wordle

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The machines have realised that Wordle is all they need to distract humans so they can keep using our bodies as an energy source.

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NewsThump presents the hot new word game – Thora Hird-le

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Wordle! Everyone loves this thinly-veiled rip-off of the Mastermind board game. But, for some people, guessing a five-letter word is too easy and provides an all-too-brief respite from their otherwise miserable existence.

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Social media addictions cured by timelines becoming 100% Wordle

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A man’s admitted social media addiction has been completely cured by having timelines full of smug gits showing off their prowess at a silly 5-letter word game.

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Using American spellings is cheating, Wordle told

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Using American spellings in a word game played by people who can spell just isn’t playing fair, popular online puzzle game Wordle has been told today.

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‘Leave me alone or I’ll go back to my own planet and take all my satellites with me’ warns Elon Musk

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Elon Musk has warned today that if people don’t stop picking on him he will head off home to his own planet and take all his satellites with him.

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All the best investment opportunities use spam and fake social media profiles for promotion, insist crypto gurus

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Crypto gurus across the Internet have insisted that we should read nothing into their repeated use of fake social media profiles and comment spam to promote their get-rich-quick schemes.

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