Former cyclist Lance Armstrong, who had seven Tour de France wins revoked in 2012 when his long history of doping was exposed, has had all seven wins reinstated.
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A man who will loudly tell you that participation trophies and celebrating ‘taking part’ instead of winning has ruined an entire generation, is demanding the England team get an open top bus parade finishing fourth at the World Cup.
New football experts, who are already looking forward to another brief flirtation with the game in 2022, have today declared their relief at once again being able to tell their partners to ‘turn that crap off’ and stop pretending to understand the offside rule.
After last night’s world cup semi-final defeat, England is too hungover and miserable to do any fucking work today, it has emerged. With hearts that feel like they’ve been stamped on by a Croation football boot, and heads that feel like they’ve been repeatedly booted around a football pitch, England just cannot be arsed today.
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