Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

Wayne Rooney moves to America to die

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Wayne Rooney will see out his last days in the USA.

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Just remember the billions we’ve spent on cocaine over the years, England tells Colombia

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England has politely reminded ambitious Colombian footballers to show a bit of fucking gratitude for the billions in drug revenues England has pumped into their dictatorship, ahead of next Tuesday’s clash in Moscow.

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England players criticised for talking to Belgian players rather than stabbing them in the face

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Following England’s 1-0 loss to Belgium last night, players have been criticised for openly chatting with their Belgian colleagues rather than seizing the opportunity to brutally stab them in the face leaving them with horrendous facial injuries and possible blindness.

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Germany celebrates as VAR appeal sees them retrospectively awarded 1966 World Cup

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German fans are celebrating today after a VAR appeal led to Geoff Hurst’s second goal in the 1966 World Cup being disallowed.

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Tabloid editors struggle to merge crap puns about Hitler and eating dogs

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The surprise defeat of Germany by South Korea has left Fleet Street’s finest at a loss on how to mix two differing crude stereotypes that are rarely, if ever, on the same page.

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Government declares national emergency after millions die laughing at Germany World Cup exit

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Theresa May has declared a national crisis after millions of English people died laughing following Germany’s loss to South Korea and subsequent exit from the World Cup.

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“Still too early to write off Germany,” warn experts

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Football pundits have warned that despite their World Cup exit at the group stage, it is still too soon to write off Germany’s chances at the tournament.

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England squad celebrating prospect of losing on penalties to non-German football team

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The England squad will be on the beers tonight after realising that the team that will deliver the final crushing blow to their own World Cup dreams at least won’t be Germany.

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FIFA unveils VARVAR system to review controversial VAR decisions

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Following a spate of controversial Video Assistant Referee decisions at the World Cup, FIFA has unveiled VARVAR – a Video Assistant Referee Video Assistant Referee system, whereby a referee in a remote location watches a video feed of the VAR room and is able to review and overrule any game-changing VAR decisions.

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Jason Cundy makes wife wear ‘voice-changing mask’ around the house

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Former ‘footballer’ Jason Cundy, who this week said that he can’t stand high-pitched women commentating on football matches, said that he was not being ‘unreasonable’ by forcing his wife, Hannah, to wear a device that makes her sound like Brian Blessed at home.

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