Sports

Sports news from NewsThump.com – bringing you the latest from the world of sport, updated every second.

Next Chelsea manager to be offered 45-minute rolling contract

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After the sacking of Frank Lampard after just 18-months in the role, the next Chelsea manager will be given a 45-minute rolling contract by the club’s owner, Roman Abramovich.

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Liverpool praised for commitment to social distancing by not celebrating a single goal since lockdown

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Liverpool Football Club has been commended today by the Premier League and the FA for continuing to adhere to social distancing rules and not celebrating any league goals whatsoever since lockdown.

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Liverpool ‘failing to score in 2021’ to be this season’s feel-good story

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Liverpool’s failure to score a single goal this year could be an even more heartwarming football story than Steven Gerrard’s slip or their capitulation at Selhurst Park in 2013/2014, it has been claimed.

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Elite sport locked down following lengthy VAR review

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After Elite sport was originally allowed to carry on during the latest lockdown, it has been sensationally disallowed after a lengthy VAR review.

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Ole-Gunnar Solskjaer to advise Boris Johnson on European exits that delight a nation

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Manchester United manager Ole-Gunnar Solskjaer is today advising Boris Johnson on the best way to leave Europe whilst simultaneously delighting the vast majority of people who watch you doing it.

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Government announces rapid vaccine deployment programme after hiring nation’s darts players

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Health minister Matt Hancock announced a new ‘rapid deployment’ scheme for the covid vaccine, which will see darts players used to vaccinate vulnerable groups without ever breaching social distancing guidelines.

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‘BLM is being shoved down our throats’ insists football fan during match’s 58th gambling advert

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A football fan has today expressed his annoyance at Black Lives Matter being shoved down this throat for 15-seconds a week at the start of each football match, despite having no issue whatsoever with the fifty-eight gambling ads that will be beamed directly into his brain during the following two hours.

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Millwall fans explain they booed BLM to refute Engel’s first law of dialectical materialism

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The notoriously erudite supporters of Millwall FC have sought to clarify that they booed players taking the knee on Saturday, not as another episode in their long history of racist thuggery, but to express disdain with the ‘ultra-woke’ Heraclitean postulate of speculative thought centred on opposites.

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Reclusive Dr P. Shiltoni arrested in connection with Diego Maradona death

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Police have arrested a tall Caucasian man answering only to the name of Dr Pedro Shiltoni in connection with the untimely death of football legend Diego Maradona.

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Witty patriot mocks Maradona’s death by recalling a war he played no part in for a place he knows nothing about

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A brilliant English sports fan deflated the pomposity of condolences over the death of football legend Diego Maradona, by pointing out that people he has never met once won a military victory over some remote islands that he believes are somewhere near Greenland.

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