Sports

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Football addict so desperate for a fix he’s willing to debase himself by consuming Aston Villa vs Sheffield United

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Football addict Simon Williams is on the verge of admitting he has hit rock bottom after admitting how desperate he is to consume the Premier League match between Aston Villa and Sheffield United.

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Government reveals it preferred when footballers were not ‘doing their bit’ after all

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The government has revealed today that with the benefit of hindsight it much preferred when high profile footballers were not ‘doing their bit’ as previously requested by Health Secretary Matt Hancock.

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Liverpool fans furious at Tory government for making them support a Manchester United player

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Liverpool fans across Britain have been left once again bitterly disappointed by a Tory Government this week, after the government forced them to agree with and vocally support a Manchester United player.

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Conor McGregor announces his annual retirement

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Conor McGregor has announced his retirement from UFC slightly earlier than usual this year.

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Premier League return delayed over concern footballers too immature to social distance

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The planned return of top-flight football may be postponed due to fears that players will still eat each other’s lunch and lick their teammates’ faces.

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Premier League clubs refusing to play in empty stadiums, insisting Manchester City would have unfair advantage

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The Premier League’s controversial ‘Project Restart’ plan took a heavy blow today, after several clubs claimed that the plan to resume the league in front of empty stadiums would give Manchester City an unfair advantage, given how used to it they are.

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Premier League announces decision to cancel current season and relegate Liverpool

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The Premier League has ended weeks of speculation and uncertainty around the fate of the 2019/2020 Football season this morning, by formally announcing the season will be declared null and void, and current league leaders Liverpool will be relegated.

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Mike Ashley sends Newcastle United players to pick fruit on farm in Surrey

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The owner of Newcastle United has temporarily transferred his entire squad to a fruit farm in Surrey to generate some much-needed income during the lockdown.

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Boris Johnson pledges to recruit 24 Captain Toms a week to make up NHS funding shortfall

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After news that 99-year-old Captain Tom Morgan has raised £15m for the NHS by walking around his garden, Boris Johnson has pledged to recruit 24 99-year-old men just like him every week to make up the shortfall in funding.

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Football star Kyle Walker helping Coronavirus fight by agreeing to 30% cut in sex-worker home visits

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Premier League star Kyle Walker has today come to an agreement with his club to reduce the number of sex workers visiting his house by 30% from next week in order to free up finances to cover the wages of non-playing staff at the club, and also offer a sizeable donation to the NHS.

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