Society

“I will never accept a microchip tag” insists man glued to his GPS-enabled 4G-capable camera and microphone

A man has revealed today that he will never allow himself to be tracked using a microchip, after reading about the possibility on his GPS-enabled 4G-capable device equipped with a high-definition camera and microphone. Simon Williams, who has only actually left his house twice in the last month but seems convinced that the government is

Oppressed English forced to meet underground to safely wish each other a happy Saint George’s Day

The English are doing their best to celebrate St. George’s Day in secret as it’s apparently illegal now.

Nigel Farage demands Google ‘forgets’ St. George was actually a Greek immigrant

Nigel Farage has made a submission to search giant Google via their ‘Right To Forget’ programme, in an effort to remove all online references to St George’s Greek nationality.

Man uses money saved by not taking forty-minute UK train journey to book five star all-inclusive trip to Disneyland

A man has used the money he saved from cancelling a forty minute UK train journey to book a five star all-inclusive trip for he and his family at Disneyland in Florida.

Using American spellings is cheating, Wordle told

Queen to sacrifice Prince Andrew to reptilian overlords as part of Platinum Jubilee celebrations

People who wanted to see statue vandals in the dock inexplicably upset that they have

Not having kids is ‘selfish’, insists head of world’s largest organised paedophile ring

Prince Andrew’s lawyers warn of ‘dangerous precedent’ if wealthy criminals can no longer silence victims with money

I’ll turn down my knighthood if millions march in protest against it, promises Tony Blair with a wink

Motivation to make 2022 ‘your year’ dead after reading just three work e-mails

We will still mercilessly take the piss out of Audi Drivers in 2022, confirm NewsThump writers

Everyone to receive enough XP to level up after surviving 2021

‘2022 still pretty shit’ warn Australians

Prince Andrew’s New Year resolution to write every day in his prison diary

Nation busy making pathetic last-minute attempt at 2021’s New Year’s resolutions

Society
UK

‘I just need to get it all out of the house by new year’ says man eating Toblerone for breakfast

Man doesn’t realise he’s still wearing Christmas cracker hat

Desperate family forced to start on the Quality Street toffee pennies

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