Society

Man who gave up drinking for Lent admits that due to ‘unprecedented times’ he may have been drinking every day during Lent

A man who decided to give up drinking alcohol for Lent has admitted today that due to unforeseen circumstances and the current unprecedented times we find ourselves in, he may have actually been drinking every single day during Lent, mostly from approximately 11 am.

Man planning to spend lockdown writing a novel will probably just wank himself into an early grave

A man has decided that being forced to spend weeks at home is his golden opportunity to finally get to work on that novel – but he’s far more likely to just bop the bishop until he can no longer breathe.

“It’s another beautiful day and I’m sorry” weeps weatherman

It’s another lovely day that you can’t enjoy, the weatherman confirmed this morning.

“For f*ck’s sake, I’ll do it” says iPad as it takes over homeschooling responsibilities

An iPad is so appalled at Mum and Dad’s teaching efforts that it plans to jump in and take the reins.

Prime Minister dismisses extra-police plan as April Fools’ joke

American man ‘in recovery’ unaware that at his worst he drank less than your Nan

Well mannered British unsure if having bloody coup is polite or not

Jon Snow apologises for highlighting the ethnicity of dimwits

Labour supporters show caring side with boycott of young Jewish woman who keeps drawing attention to her antisemitic abuse

Distraught Brexiter takes delivery of all the champagne he forgot to cancel

David Cameron currently enjoying a nice cup of tea in his garden without a care in the world

Avengers: Endgame receives Adult certification due to controversial Ant-Man/Thanos ‘butt’ sequence

Parliament can’t agree a Brexit deal, but could YOU? Take our test to find out

Cambridge withdraws visiting fellowship given to Kermit the Frog

Cycling world stunned as male rider confesses he would prefer a comfortable saddle

Missing gamer found buried under collapsed pile of his own dice

Study suggests Audi-driving MPs far less likely to use their indicative votes

Opinion: Theresa May’s deal is worse than remaining in the EU, so I have no choice but to support it

Singer taken off stage at Royal Albert Hall for being ‘provocatively nice to foreigners’

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