Science

Queen automatically wins next year’s Best Actress Oscar for not breaking character and punching Trump in face

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Her Majesty The Queen will be the only nominee for the Best Actress award at the 2020 Oscar ceremony after her outstanding performance smiling at Donald Trump for hours as if she didn’t want to stab him in the eye with a spoon.

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Scientists may one day discover cure for being Ann Widdecombe

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Science may offer a cure for being Ann Widdecombe one day.

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Moon astronauts will be self-employed and have to provide their own rockets, says Jeff Bezos

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The boss of Amazon has reassured shareholders that his vision to return men to the moon will not usher in new humane HR procedures for the global delivery giant, as astronauts will be considered contractors and have to bring their own oxygen.

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Don’t get too excited about the ‘Essex version of Tutankhamun’s tomb’, warn archeologists

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A recent exhibition by Southend’s archaeological museum of an Anglo-Saxon grave, enthusiastically dubbed the British equivalent of Tutankhamun’s chamber of treasures, has forced historians to awkwardly explain that people should expect more rotted drinking horns than golden chariots.

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Nation having less sex than ever pleads with broadcasters for fewer images of Nigel Farage

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Brits across the nation have pleaded with broadcasters and news organisations to stop putting pictures on Nigel Farage on the television and in their newspapers.

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Government declares climate emergency compelling it to ignore global warming with greater urgency

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The government has declared a climate emergency which will compel it to urgently ignore issues surrounding global warming.

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Shrimp partying like f**k

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Shrimp in Britain’s rivers are ripped off their tits pretty much 24/7, we can reveal.

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Top scientists from MIT and London Imperial College finally decipher Labour’s Brexit policy

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The scientific world was hailing a huge breakthrough today as it was revealed that some of the world’s top scientists have deciphered the Labour Party’s Brexit policy.

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Everyone having nightmares about milk ducts

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An image of human milk ducts has gone viral and now nobody will sleep soundly ever again.

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Anti-vax bellends somehow worried about creating children as amazing as Greta Thunberg

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Anti-vax arseholes responsible for the coming measles pandemic are of the opinion that large scale infant mortality problems are better than creating a generation of highly-intelligent autistic children capable of understanding basic science.

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