Science

Russian Covid vaccine to be tested on Salisbury door handles

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The highly promising Russian COVID vaccine is to be tested in now the customary manner – by applying it furtively to doorknobs in the Greater Wiltshire area, it has emerged.

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People who say ‘let’s agree to disagree’ are wrong and should f*ck off, say scientists

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A recent study has confirmed your belief that people who try to end arguments with a pithy phrase about the acceptance of diverging opinions are utter cunts who should never be allowed to speak again.

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Papal breeding programme branded a success after litter of baby Popes found in Vatican

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A litter of baby Popes found in the Vatican has led to scientists declaring a recent Papal breeding programme a success.

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Ancient mystery finally solved as archaeologists trace origin of Stonehenge stones to just up the road from Stonehenge

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Archaeologists are celebrating this week after finally discovering the origin of the giant stones making up the main monument of Stonehenge, claiming they came from just up the road to Stonehenge.

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Britain offers sanctuary to Martians after China launches mission to red planet

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The British government has announced it will offer sanctuary and a route to citizenship after China launched its first mission to the Red Planet today.

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Gravity to be removed due to Sir Isaac Newton’s links to slave trade

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All traces of gravity are to be removed from the Earth after Sir Isaac Newton was revealed to have historic links to slave trading.

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Elon Musk chooses worst possible moment to come out as a Flat-Earther

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Entrepreneur and apparently needy, attention-seeking billionaire Elon Musk took to Twitter to announce his belief the Earth was flat last night, literally twenty minutes after launching a spaceship off it.

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Trump praised for uniting America as Democrats and Republicans both agree that he should be allowed to put his life in danger

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US President and owner of several top-quality bottles of Snake Oil, Donald Trump, is being hailed a ‘hero’ for his actions this week, after Democrats and Republicans across the political spectrum came together in agreement that Trump should be allowed to ingest whatever dangerous chemicals he wants.

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‘Loss of taste’ added to COVID-19 symptoms as government recommends self-isolation for anyone who recently enjoyed Mrs Brown’s Boys

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The government has added ‘loss of taste’ to the potential symptoms of the coronavirus, and is advising a period of self-isolation for anyone who has recently enjoyed an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

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Parliament can resume as long as the area is cleared of foul miasmas and witches, insists Jacob Rees-Mogg

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Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leader Of the House of Commons and walking PSA about the dangers of marrying cousins, said that MPs should gather in Westminster and that, to ensure their safety, he had hired the nation’s finest witchfinders and leech-bearing crones.

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