Science

Parliament can resume as long as the area is cleared of foul miasmas and witches, insists Jacob Rees-Mogg

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Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leader Of the House of Commons and walking PSA about the dangers of marrying cousins, said that MPs should gather in Westminster and that, to ensure their safety, he had hired the nation’s finest witchfinders and leech-bearing crones.

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Coronavirus agrees not to infect anyone while nation tries to clarify what government is advising them to do

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In the interests of having a ‘fair fight’, the coronavirus has agreed not to infect anyone while the nation tries to figure out what advice they are being given by the government.

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Social Media users hold back from judging Prof Neil Ferguson until they’ve seen what books he’s got on his shelves

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It has been revealed that the scientist behind the advice that led to the UK’s lockdown, Professor Neil Ferguson, has hypocritically broken those rules himself, though social media users are waiting to see what he’s been reading before criticising him.

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Lockdown and social distancing isn’t necessary if you are really horny, insists Professor Neil Ferguson

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The man behind the advice that led the government to lock down the country and implement strict social distancing rules has insisted they don’t apply when ‘daddy really horny’.

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More COVID-19 sorrow as Audi drivers in lockdown struggle to demonstrate that they are better than everyone else

Thumbnail image for More COVID-19 sorrow as Audi drivers in lockdown struggle to demonstrate that they are better than everyone else

Reports have been flooding in from all over the country of heart-wrenching stories about Audi drivers taking increasingly desperate measures to remind everybody that their choice of car marks them as superior beings for whom the rules don’t apply.

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Coronavirus caused 5G

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In a surprising new development in the story of the link between coronavirus and 5G, it has been suggested that 5G is the result of coronavirus.

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It’s Tuesday, confirm experts

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Experts have confirmed that today is definitely Tuesday.

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Donald Trump recommends wearing a hat to prevent coronavirus

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US President and insane despot Donald Trump has introduced new measures to prevent the spread of coronavirus, chief amongst them is the recommendation to always wear a hat.

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New study confirms that cold weather can “do one”

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The cold weather can “do one”, according to a new scientific study.

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Glaswegian scientists discover key way of fighting Coronavirus is to ‘kick its f*ckin’ c*nt in’

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Glaswegian geneticists have discovered a key weakness in Covid-19’s armoury, which may ultimately benefit the whole of humankind.

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