Science

Plans to graft Rory Stewart onto Michael Gove in order to combat Boris Johnson

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Rory Stewart has confirmed that his team is in talks with Michael Gove’s team to graft the two contenders’ bodies together to create a terrifying mutant Tory leadership hybrid that could take on Boris Johnson.

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It must be summer because the rain has warmed up a bit, Britain told

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British summer has well and truly begun, with reports coming in that the rain is almost four degrees warmer than it was in December.

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Brexiter insists climate emergency doesn’t exist because he had to wear a jumper for a few days in June

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A Brexit supporter has today said all evidence for global warming is phoney and a “conspiracy” due to the fact it’s June and he has been a bit chilly over the past few days.

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RSPCA say Schrödinger is both guilty and not guilty of animal cruelty

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Representatives of the RSPCA have stated that cat owner Erwin Schrödinger is both a caring cat-lover and a cruel cat-hater simultaneously.

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Scientists finally identify mystery ‘other planet’ inhabited by the Daily Mail

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Scientists have revealed they might have finally answered the questions, “What planet is the Daily Mail on?”

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Emperor rejects calls for lightsaber control laws after horrendous youngling massacre

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The Emperor has said he sees ‘No need’ for any increase in lightsabre control laws despite the recent mass-killing of younglings in the Jedi temple, we can report.

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Queen automatically wins next year’s Best Actress Oscar for not breaking character and punching Trump in face

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Her Majesty The Queen will be the only nominee for the Best Actress award at the 2020 Oscar ceremony after her outstanding performance smiling at Donald Trump for hours as if she didn’t want to stab him in the eye with a spoon.

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Scientists may one day discover cure for being Ann Widdecombe

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Science may offer a cure for being Ann Widdecombe one day.

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Moon astronauts will be self-employed and have to provide their own rockets, says Jeff Bezos

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The boss of Amazon has reassured shareholders that his vision to return men to the moon will not usher in new humane HR procedures for the global delivery giant, as astronauts will be considered contractors and have to bring their own oxygen.

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Don’t get too excited about the ‘Essex version of Tutankhamun’s tomb’, warn archeologists

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A recent exhibition by Southend’s archaeological museum of an Anglo-Saxon grave, enthusiastically dubbed the British equivalent of Tutankhamun’s chamber of treasures, has forced historians to awkwardly explain that people should expect more rotted drinking horns than golden chariots.

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