Science

Beatings will continue until women know their place, confirm Met Police

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The Metropolitan Police have today confirmed that beatings will continue until peaceful protests improve, or even better, the women just shut up and go home.

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Nation celebrates after accidental discovery of cure for Piers Morgans

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An anodyne experiment by ITV weatherman Alex Beresford has given the first hope in decades that there might be an end in sight to the horrific condition known colloquially as Piers Morgan.

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Scientists succeed in reanimating the corpse of Phillip Hammond

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Scientists have successfully reanimated the corpse of ex-Chancellor Phillip Hammond, effectively bringing him back to life.

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Martian authorities force Perseverance rover to spend ten days in Travelodge

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Nasa’s Perseverance rover has arrived on Mars only to be forced to quarantine in a shitty hotel.

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Just go ahead fill your boots this Lent, confirms God

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Representatives from all denominations of Christianity have confirmed that God has cancelled Lent because we have all given up quite enough this year already.

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Scientists warn of new variant of previous variant of the initial variant of the Kent variant’s first variant

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Scientists have today warned of a new variant of the variant of the previous variant of the initial variant of the UK variant’s South African variant mutating to form another variant of coronavirus spreading around the UK.

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Aliens demanding ‘Take us to your leader’ asked if they can come back on Thursday

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Aliens have landed and have been urged to brace themselves for something of a disappointment, unless they would like to come back on Thursday.

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Man insisting 10-month old virus isn’t really dangerous also insists ‘we won’t know if vaccine is safe for at least five years’

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A man is today insisting on social media that a virus which didn’t exist a year ago is nothing to worry about because it hardly kills anyone, while confidently asserting that any vaccine to fight it can’t be declared safe until we’ve had at least five years of human trials.

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Scientists urged to seek advice on new Covid strain from bloke off Twitter

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After the announcement that a new strain of coronavirus has emerged, there have been calls for scientists to urgently seek advice from some bloke off Twitter.

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Covid vaccine to be distributed through KFC so people won’t care what’s in it

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As the mass rollout of the Covid-19 vaccine gets underway, the government has announced it will be distributed through popular fast-food vendors to ensure people don’t worry about what might be in it.

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