After a six month study, scientists have confirmed that Theresa May joins cockroaches and flies in being the only creatures who could survive a nuclear blast.
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Brits across the nation have pleaded with broadcasters and news organisations to stop putting pictures on Nigel Farage on the television and in their newspapers.
The Brexit party, which has precisely zero members and has never earned a single vote in the democratic process has declared that it is the guiding force in British politics, despite being led by a conspiracy theorist that once garnered fewer votes than a man in a dolphin suit.
Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp has been approached about the possibility of taking over the management of Brexit, after demonstrating an uncanny ability to turn utterly hopeless no-win situations into glorious victories.
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