Politics

Brexiters weirdly terrible at Brexit

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Those in charge of delivering the very thing they said they wanted and were perfectly capable of delivering, have been found to not know what they want nor be capable of delivering it.

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Merseyside now added to COVID watch list, with Birmingham, and Bolton, and Newcastle, and… oh f*ck it everywhere

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The government has added the whole of Merseyside to the COVID watch list today due to a rise in infection rates, along with Birmingham, and Bolton, and Newcastle, and Leicester, and Manche….oh fuck it everywhere in the pissing country, it is revealed.

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BBC replaces Nichola Sturgeon’s pandemic briefings with Jamie Oliver making curried haggis

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Following a perfectly legitimate chat with the leader of the Scottish Tories, the BBC has decided that the people of Scotland don’t need to know about government measures to contain COVID 19 and would much prefer to hear what English people think of their culture.

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Boris Johnson proposes ‘moonshot’ plan to defeat Covid using Jedi space magic

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Prime Minister Boris fucking Johnson has proposed a bold new ‘moonshot’ initiative to eliminate coronavirus using Jedi space magic.

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Man who said he could stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone without consequence nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

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Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, because of course he has.

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‘I had my fingers crossed when I signed it’, clarifies Boris Johnson regarding Withdrawal Agreement

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson has today confirmed that breaking the terms of the Withdrawl Agreement negotiated with the EU is perfectly OK because he had his fingers crossed when he signed it.

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Santa to adhere to ‘Rule of Six’ by shooting Dasher, Dancer, Donner and Blitzen

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Good old Saint Nick will ensure he follows the Rule of Six and thus saves Christmas by executing some of his reindeer.

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Boris Johnson bans all gatherings of six people or more to avoid seeing all of his children

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Boris Johnson has announced that social gatherings of more than six people are to be banned in an attempt to free him from the obligation to spend time with his unknown numbers of children.

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Festival of Brexit a great way to lift the spirits of those made unemployed by Brexit, says government

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Simon Williams MP, Minister for Jingoistic Dross, has confirmed that a hugely expensive mass gathering is just what the nation needs to deal with a contagious disease pandemic while the economy collapses.

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Lionel Hutz approached to be new head of Government legal department

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Representatives for Boris Johnson are understood to have reached out to fictional cartoon lawyer Lionel Hutz with a view to replacing Jonathon Jones as head of the government legal department.

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