The man behind the advice that led the government to lock down the country and implement strict social distancing rules has insisted they don’t apply when ‘daddy really horny’.
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Police have been surprised to see that Nigel Farage has now rallied against restrictions on his freedom of movement, as they had always thought this was something he would be into.
Nurse Simone Williams has thanked the public for their ongoing weekly round of applause, after saving enough applause to pay her mortgage this month.
Benny Hill cosplayer and occasional prime minister, Boris Johnson, has explained his vision for a progressive end to the lockdown which would begin with bringing back some eye candy for gents whose current shag is being tetchy, and eventually moving to a full return of delightful young things who know a thing or two about discretion.
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