Politics

BBC and Sky News neck and neck in race to see who will be first to film a dinghy actually sinking

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News teams from the BBC and Sky news are locked in a tense battle to capture the first footage of a dinghy actually collapsing in front of them in the English Channel.

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Russian Covid vaccine to be tested on Salisbury door handles

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The highly promising Russian COVID vaccine is to be tested in now the customary manner – by applying it furtively to doorknobs in the Greater Wiltshire area, it has emerged.

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Donald Trump evacuated from White House briefing room for his own protection after reporter asks him to count to ten

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Donald Trump was evacuated from the White House press briefing room last night after it was determined that a reporter’s request for the president to count to ten on live television represented “a clear and present danger” to his approval rating.

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Boris Johnson confident system of rolling dice to determine exam results is robust and fair

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson has sought to reassure pupils awaiting exam results that his system of rolling dice to determine A-level grades is both robust and fair.

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“We have the resources to help refugees, but we definitely shouldn’t,” claims hideous human

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We shouldn’t help the “Others”, according to some fuckwits today.

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Man who spent June insisting ‘All Lives Matter’ now calling for Navy to sink migrant boats crossing the Channel

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A man who spent most of June and July tweeting #AllLivesMatter whenever anyone called to help a particular sub-group of our society, has today decided that the way to stop migrants crossing the channel is by having the Navy sink their boats.

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Not enough bright orange clay in Mt Rushmore to add your face to it, Donald Trump told

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The geological composition of Mount Rushmore would not fairly portray Donald Trump’s likeness, the President has been told today.

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Thanks to Boris there is plenty of space for asylum seekers in all the recently-vacated care homes, insist experts

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Thanks to Boris Johnson, there is now more than enough room in Britain to house any asylum seekers, experts have today confirmed.

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Government insists there will be no U-turn on schools reopening, until after everyone has spent £200 on new uniforms

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The government has insisted today that there will be no backtracking on the decision to fully reopen schools again in September, until just after everyone has forked out about £200 on new school uniforms.

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Latest polls show fifty-two percent of Britons will refuse to take Coronavirus vaccine

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A slim majority of Britons are set to refuse any forthcoming vaccine for the Coronavirus because apparently you can’t trust experts these days, it has emerged.

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