Politics

Mutilated voters in the North starting to wonder if voting for Leopards Eating Northerners Party was a good move

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As the ruling LEN Party imposes harsh leopard attacks on the North that have so far not been applied to the Home Counties, many of the so-called ‘Leopard Wall’ converts have admitted that they might have made a mistake voting for a party that has openly detested them for decades.

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Jacinda Adern celebrates completing first stage of plan for brutal world domination

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New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Adern has spent the night celebrating the completion of the first stage of her plan to conquer the world and subjugate the human race as her slaves.

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Man who quit gym insists he still has an Australian-style deal with them

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35-year-old Simon Williams has quit his local gym but insists he is moving to an Australian-style deal with them, which will provide him with exactly the same membership benefits as other non-members.

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Government to use money saved by refusing to feed hungry children to hire three new full-time track and trace consultants

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The government is to use the money saved from not feeding millions of hungry children over the Christmas school holidays, for three brand new track and trace consultants to work full time in December.

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Government to address Covid tier confusion by giving everyone their own individual alert level

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In an attempt to clear up all the confusion about who’s in which Covid tier, the government has decided to allocate alert levels on an individual basis to each of the nation’s 70 million residents.

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Man hoping for ‘Australia-style deal’ with his local pub after getting barred

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A man who told the bartender at his local to fuck himself and insisted he’d never drink there again is hoping to gain access to the bar and restaurant under an Australia-style deal, it has emerged.

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No-deal Brexit will be ‘brilliant for Britain’, insists complete f*cking moron

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A ‘hard no-deal Brexit’ is the best option for Britain and the experts claiming it will inflict devastating harm on the economy are definitely wrong, insists a complete fucking moron this morning.

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Crazy uncles worldwide distance themselves from Donald Trump

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After Savannah Guthrie tried to explain to Donald Trump that the US president should not behave like someone’s crazy uncle, hordes of unstable middle-aged men have responded with furious denials that they have anything to do with him.

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Joe Biden creates MySpace account to attract youth vote

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Presidential hopeful Joe Biden has created a MySpace page to reach out to the youth vote and plans a major launch event today.

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Theatre retrains as Wetherspoons

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A listed building in central London is having to retrain as a piss-soaked boozer because its current job as a West End theatre is no longer viable.

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