Politics

Trump Tower to replace existing fire safety equipment with airborne water tankers

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The Notre Dame Cathedral fire has prompted Donald Trump to invest in an elaborate convoy of fire fighting aircraft to tackle blazes in his properties.

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Helping someone guess a password is much worse than rape, insists US government

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The UK has come under diplomatic pressure to extradite Julian Assange to the US and not Sweden so as to face accusations that he helped Chelsea Manning get around a password, because that is apparently much worse than sex without consent.

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Terrorism threat reduced to negligible after GCHQ crack Frank Sidebottom’s secret codes

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UK citizens will get a sound night’s sleep tonight after Frank Sidebottom’s encrypted data was found to pose no significant threat to sentient lifeforms.

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Nigel Farage launches new colour of bus with which to try and fool the public

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Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage hopes that a thin coat of paint is enough to make people forget the lies used in the 2016 referendum and accept any new lies that he chooses to comes up with.

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All the great political satirists joke about not raping people, insists Gerard Batten

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UKIP leader Gerard Batten has insisted that one of his MEP candidates claiming they wouldn’t rape Labour MP Jess Phillips is the sort of thing you find throughout Jonathan Swift’s back catalogue.

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Nigel Farage launches the ‘Get Nigel Farage on Telly’ party

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Britain’s leading angry red-faced shouty man Nigel Farage has today launched the ‘Get Nigel Farage on Telly’ party, in an attempt to get Nigel Farage on telly more.

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Nigel Farage launches new political party for MEPs who like getting paid but not doing any work

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Nigel Farage has launched a new party for out of work MEPs who would like to get paid buy actually do very little work.

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BBC accidentally shows clip of sofa being disinfected following Mark Francois appearance

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The BBC was under fire today after accidentally showing the Breakfast sofa being hosed down and disinfected following an appearance from Mark Francois.

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Julian Assange’s cat celebrating having entire room and balcony to itself

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The cat belonging to Julian Assange is now having the time of its life, according to sources within the Ecuadorian embassy.

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Mark Francois named European of the Year for uniting entire continent in agreeing he’s a twat

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The bombastic MP from Rayleigh was given the coveted accolade by Brussels for creating a rare feeling of pan-European unity, with every adult in EU countries warm-heartedly agreeing he was an insufferable bellend.

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