Politics

Boris Johnson to conduct next live briefing via medium of sea shanty

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Boris Johnson is planning to take advantage of the nation’s sudden fondness for sea shanties by singing his way through the next televised briefing to the nation.

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Donald Trump compared to Jesus after newly-discovered Bible verse chronicles the divinity of ‘pussy grabbing’

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Outgoing twice-impeached President Donald Trump is today being likened to Jesus Christ by Republicans after the discovery of a new bible verse in which pussy-grabbing is considered the behaviour of the ‘divine’.

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EXPOSED! Keir Starmer is a former agent from The Matrix

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Keir Starmer’s past has finally caught up with him.

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Unlikeable harridan joins party of morons to promote issues of complete inconsequence

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Katie Hopkins has joined UKIP, in what many are hailing as the most inconsequential political alliance since anyone started measuring these things.

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‘Why weren’t The Kaiser Chiefs impeached for I Predict A Riot?’ rages Donald Trump

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In a statement, US President Donald Trump has questioned why Leeds indie rock band ‘The Kaiser Chiefs’ were not impeached in 2004 for their smash hit song ‘I Predict A Riot’.

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Government’s post-Covid plans for killing people include nuclear strike and water poisoning

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With the vaccine programme meaning that excess deaths due to the Covid will hopefully soon come to an end, the Government has set up a working group to explore new ways it can kill people.

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Government to make new Brazilian variant available to everyone in UK ‘within weeks’

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The government has confirmed that it expects the new variant of the coronavirus recently discovered in Brazil to be made available to everyone in the UK within the next few weeks.

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Iain Duncan Smith boasts he could easily live on a money bag half-filled with tuna

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Iain Duncan Smith is harder than your kids, he has confirmed this morning.

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US Capitol Police to adopt hope-it-will-all-be-fine strategy for Inauguration day

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US Capitol Police have announced that they will be adopting a hope-it-will-all-be-fine strategy for Inauguration day next week.

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‘You can’t trust Tories with free school meal money as they’ll only waste it on profits for their mates’ insist benefit recipients

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Benefit recipients have sensationally claimed that Tories would only fritter away free school meal money on profit for their mates.

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