English exam boards are secretly scrambling to emulate the dream-shattering triumph of their Scottish counterparts, pulling together a copycat assessment system based on laziness, prejudice, and spitefully arbitrary whimsy.
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Scottish Deputy First Minister John Swinney has told pupils not to worry too much about their lower than expected exam results, because you can get all A’s and still be a hopeless twat.
A country with strict gun control laws has somehow managed to go another year with no mass shootings.
The Tories have defended their decision not to suspect an MP accused of rape, citing internal procedures which only allows the withdrawal of the whip for egregious crimes such as embarrassing Chris Grayling or voting against the government while not being called Boris Johnson.
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