The British public was finally given a clear sense of the timeline for the virus crisis as Boris Johnson’s misplaced confidence and shifty demeanour pretty much guaranteed that by mid-June the UK will become a dystopian hellscape where civil society has utterly collapsed.
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With London expected to be quarantined in the next couple of days, Londoners themselves probably won’t notice.
A man from the north-east of England who has subsisted entirely on tinned food since 1993, is today claiming vindication of his lifestyle as millions of panic-buyers join him in the luxury of tinned fruit and Fray Bentos pies.
A three-day missing person hunt has been called off after local man Simon Williams was discovered buried under a collapsed heap of toilet paper in his home.
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