Health

Beach evacuated after British sunbather mistaken for giant lobster

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Terrified holidaymakers were evacuated from a beach yesterday after authorities mistakenly believed it was under attack by a gigantic, bright pink monster from the deep.

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Woman who believes vaccines cause autism also believes thing above her bed catches bad dreams

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A woman has defended her decision not to vaccinate her children due to autism fears, and insists she sleeps ‘fine at night thank you very much’ due to the dream catcher which she hangs above her bed.

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Why aren’t parents listening to expert advice on vaccines, asks man who’s spent three years publicly denouncing ‘experts’

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As the UK lost its ‘Measles-free’ classification, Boris Johnson has ordered urgent action to ensure young people are protected against Measles, and to find out why in the last three year parents have become far more sceptical of the opinions and advice of experts on the matter.

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Doctors uncover link between children getting measles and their parents being morons

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As the UK lost its ‘measles-free’ designation from the World Health Organisation, doctors have discovered a link between children who get measles and the likelihood of their parents being gullible simpletons.

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A&E department celebrates treating one-millionth man with foreign object stuck up his arse

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Staff at an Accident and Emergency Department in Swansea were cracking open the champagne yesterday after treating their one-millionth man with a foreign object stuck up his jacksie.

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Nation with strict gun-control laws somehow manages ninth successive year with no mass shootings

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A country with strict gun control laws has somehow managed to go another year with no mass shootings.

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Don’t put ice lollies into Boris Johnson to cool down, women warned

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As UK temperatures reached record-breaking highs some women have been so desperate to cool down that they’ve inserted ice lollies into Boris Johnson and other senior Tories.

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Britons finding excuses to hang round in the supermarket freezer aisle

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People are finding any excuse to linger in the supermarket freezer aisle for up to several hours at a time, according to reports today.

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Let’s spend more money killing foreigners, says man who killed British people by slashing NHS funding

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Jeremy Hunt has pledged to increase defence spending by £15bn over the next five years, leading many to aks where this desire to invest was hiding when he was Health Secretary?

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Amazon’s Alexa to wait until you have visitors before asking how your haemorrhoids are doing

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A partnership between Amazon and the NHS will see Alexa devices ask you about embarrassing ailments whenever you have company.

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