Health

Concern government may still be completely ineffectual against new Covid strains

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As the coronavirus continues to mutate, scientists have expressed concern that the efficacy of the UK government will remain at approximately 0%.

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Scientists warn of new variant of previous variant of the initial variant of the Kent variant’s first variant

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Scientists have today warned of a new variant of the variant of the previous variant of the initial variant of the UK variant’s South African variant mutating to form another variant of coronavirus spreading around the UK.

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Tragedy as Daily Mail readers wank themselves to death after EU finally makes mistake

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Elation tragically turned to sorrow yesterday as the EU’s hamfisted handling of vaccines export restrictions gave Brexiters one glorious moment of vindication that soon turned deadly as the subsequent rage-wanking was so violent it killed thousands.

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Kate insists parenting during lockdown is exhausting, for the palace nanny, and tutor, and chefs, and cleaners

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The Duchess of Cambridge has revealed today that the extreme challenges of parenting and homeschooling during lockdown has been utterly exhausting, for the child’s nanny, and private tutor, and palace chefs and cleaners.

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Boris accuses 100,000 dead Covid victims of ‘playing politics’

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Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the country with the world’s highest Covid death rate and sometime TV presenter, has accused the 100,000 people in this country who’ve died of Covid of ‘playing politics’

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‘There was no way to predict this’ explains man to nation full of people who predicted this

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Boris Johnson has spoken of his regret at the 100,000 lives lost to coronavirus in the UK, insisting that there is no way anyone could have predicted this happening, seemingly unaware of the fact that millions of people predicted precisely this would happen.

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‘We did everything we could’ says Boris, ‘to completely f*ck this up’

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The Prime Minister has today advised the nation, as the UK passes 100K deaths from coronavirus, that he has done everything he could during this whole pandemic, to completely fuck it up.

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Man furious as 40-minute run counts for nothing after forgetting to wear his Fitbit

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A man is absolutely furious today after completing a 40-minute lunchtime run which counted for absolutely nothing after completely forgetting to wear his new Fitbit in order to track his progress.

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We are still a ‘long long long way’ from being competent warns Hancock

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Health Secretary Matt Hancock has revealed today that there is still a ‘long long long way’ to go until they can be considered even remotely competent in dealing with the current coronavirus pandemic.

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Scientists fear new strain of Morrissey could prove 40% more twattish

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Researchers from the University of Croydon’s Department of Bellend Studies have warned that the next mutation of Morrissey could prove much more prickish than previous iterations and that long-held immunisation to his annoying antics might not be enough to stay safe.

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