Health

Jair Bolsonaro tests positive for ‘dangerous media hoax’

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Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro has tested positive for the disease he called a media hoax just a few short weeks ago.

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Care home workers apologise to Boris Johnson for going on holiday instead of attending COBRA pandemic meetings

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The Prime Minister has lambasted the nation’s care home workers for their lackadaisical attitude towards COVID-19 in its early stages and for their critical failure to take crucial steps like temperature checks at airports or cancelling the Cheltenham horse races.

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Doctors confirm Ghislaine Maxwell has tested positive for new virus which causes strangulation in just two months

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A team of doctors and medical professionals working with the FBI have confirmed to the public today that recently arrested socialite and close personal friend of Prince Andrew, Ghislaine Maxwell, has tested positive for a brand new strain of virus, which reportedly causes “acute strangulation” in just two months.

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2020 sees 2019’s Covid-19 and raises it Bubonic Plague

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It has emerged that 2020 has claimed responsibility for the resurgence of bubonic plague cases in China after “having had enough” of being dominated by Covid-19.

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Hercule Poirot hired to investigate the unfathomable mystery of the ‘drunks who don’t social distance’

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Renowned detective Hercule Poirot has been hired by government officials to get to the bottom of the mystery surrounding the behaviour of drunk people and their inability to follow social distancing protocols.

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‘I can’t wait for a proper drink tomorrow’ says man polishing off six cans a night since March

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A man who has been drinking an average of six cans of lager a night, and eight at weekends, since the end of March has revealed today that he cannot wait until tomorrow when he can finally go out for a good drink.

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Smokers can’t wait for pubs to reopen so they can spend all night standing outside on their own

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A man is looking forward to finally being able to meet up with friends at the pub in order to go and stand outside on his own to have a smoke.

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Britons can now go to any country without quarantine as long as they rent a villa from Stanley Johnson

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The government has released its ‘green list’ of countries where UK citizens can go on vacation without having to isolate for two weeks on return, as long as they are symptom-free and have stayed in a property owned by the prime minister’s father.

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Man in pub sitting obediently at safe social distance actually just four pints from hugging strangers at the urinal

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As pubs across the country get ready to reopen under new social distancing guidelines, everyone has been reminded how obedient drunk people are when it comes to sticking to the rules of good behaviour.

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Leicester parents back on the booze as schools close again

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Supermarkets in Leicester are running low on all kinds of alcohol as parents are once again forced to homeschool their children.

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