Health

Person found who doesn’t have Covid

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There was widespread shock and surprise at news that a person in the UK has been found who doesn’t have Covid.

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Covid upswing sees Government move quicker than ever before to ignore it and hope it goes away

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A huge increase in UK cases of Covid has seen the Government move quicker than ever before to ignore the virus and hope it goes away.

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Don’t panic but don’t start any new box sets, advises government

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The UK government has said that the threat of nuclear war is still remote but that people might want to take a day off work to go swimming with dolphins.

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Leak reveals number one donor to Tory party for last two years was Coronavirus

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The biggest donor to the Tory party over the past two years has been the coronavirus, according to documents revealed in a new leak.

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Technology that allowed paralysed man to walk again is better late than never, insists Jesus

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An amazing new technology, developed by really clever scientists in Switzerland, has allowed a man with a severed spinal cord to walk again, a somewhat belated miracle welcomed by the son of God.

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Man running 30 minutes on treadmill without spitting, surprisingly unable to run 30 seconds on the road without spitting

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A man who quite easily managed to run 30 full minutes on a treadmill at the gym without spitting, was surprisingly still unable to run 30 seconds on the road without spitting earlier it is revealed.

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NHS waiting lists disappear overnight after government suddenly remembers the 40 new hospitals they built

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Government plans to reduce NHS waiting lists have today been declared redundant after officials suddenly remembered the forty new hospitals they had built since Boris Johnson became Prime Minister.

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Man who didn’t wear a seatbelt and didn’t die acting like he’s proved something

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Seatbelts are useless and make no difference, Simon Williams has told friends after not dying during a drive to the shops today.

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Spotify cancels Joe Rogan podcast after Cheeky Girls threaten to pull their albums

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Following the protest withdrawal of his catalogue by legendary artist Neil Young over Spotify’s contract with notorious sharer of anti-vax misinformation, Joe Rogan, the streaming service has finally given in to public outcry after it was warned that listeners might no longer listen to Cheeky Flamenco.

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Grateful nation forgives Boris Johnson after he decides to end pandemic

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England has forgiven the Prime Minister for all this lying business after he announced that the pandemic is over and that masks and whatnot are no longer required.

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