Health

Vegans tired of non-vegans always banging on about vegans always banging on about being vegans

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Vegans simply can’t help banging on about the fact that they are vegan, according to non-vegans who keep banging on about it.

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Man’s dry January scuppered by weekend

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Plans not to touch a drop of alcohol for the entirety of January were derailed by a ‘weekend’, local man Simon Williams has admitted this morning.

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People should spend more screen-time reading satirical websites, confirm doctors

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A massive report into the effects of screen-time on the human brain published today has concluded that people should spend a lot more time reading satirical websites.

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Contract to supply NHS handed to bloke who saw Casualty once

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The government has followed up its decision to grant a cross-channel ferry contract to a company with no ships by giving the contract for NHS supplies to a man who saw Casualty once.

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Moron utterly convinced Greggs vegan sausage rolls will infect steak bakes with dangerous levels of veganism

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An idiot angry at Greggs for releasing a vegan sausage roll is utterly convinced all other baked delights served by the chain will be infected by veganism.

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Weight of the average jogger goes up by three stone overnight

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Sports scientists and statisticians are reportedly ‘baffled’ today by a sudden increase in the weight of the nation’s average jogger, which has risen from 12 stone 10lb to over 15 stones overnight.

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Mickey telling your battered liver to “get up, you son of a bitch!” for New Year’s Eve

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The trainer from Rocky is egging your liver on for one more round.

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Outcry as new Watership Down fails to traumatise entire generation of children

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The BBC is under fire this morning after their new adaptation of Watership Down failed to leave an entire generation of children in need of lifelong therapy.

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City built on sausage rolls declared unfit for human habitation

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Environmental officers have declared a city built on sausage rolls ‘unfit for human habitation’ after discovering the foundations of flaky pasty were dangerously unstable and the sausages have started to go a bit funny, according to reports published today.

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Man who trod on a house spider whilst barefoot left traumatised for life

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A man who trod on a house spider whilst walking barefoot ‘is unlikely ever to truly recover from the experience’ according to reports today.

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