Health

Anti-vaxxer still hasn’t opened Christmas presents because he doesn’t know what’s inside

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An anti-vaxxer’s Christmas presents remain steadfastly unwrapped today after he continued insisting that any time you don’t know what’s in something, it must be dangerous.

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Santa ignoring Rudolph’s cough for another two days

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Santa has made a tacit agreement with his wife not to mention their coughing and sneezing Reindeer until the evening of the twenty-fifth.

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Man confident he can avoid testing positive before Christmas day by not taking any tests before Christmas

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A man is now confident that he can make it to Christmas day without testing positive for Covid, by not actually taking a test for Covid until New Year.

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Man develops Type 2 diabetes after watching Love, Actually

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Kettering man Simon Williams has been rushed to the hospital due to developing ‘dangerously high’ blood sugar levels after watching Love, Actually.

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Nation wearily prepares for further Christmas lockdown after Boris Johnson categorically rules it out

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The nation’s weary residents are once again preparing for a Christmas lockdown after prime minister Boris Johnson categorically ruled it out.

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Michael Gove to investigate Tory Christmas parties as nobody attended his

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Michael Gove is the only person in the Conservative party who can investigate what happened at various Christmas parties in 2020 as nobody attended his, and he was, therefore, the only person to adhere to restrictions at the time.

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Boris Johnson insists Downing Street garden photo was taken on ‘Bring your wife and a bottle of wine to work’ Day

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Prime minister Boris Johnson has today hit back at critics who claim that he broke lockdown rules in May 2020 by insisting the incriminating photo of the Downing Street garden was actually taken on ‘Bring Your Wife and a Bottle of Wine to Work Day’.

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Mandatory remedial maths lessons planned for people who argue against vaccines with ‘most Covid patients in hospital are vaccinated’

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The government is to introduce mandatory remedial maths lessons for anyone arguing against the efficacy of Covid vaccines with the line “most Covid patients in hospital are vaccinated”.

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Anti-vaxxer calls librarian ‘fascist’ for refusing to lend him books unless he produces ‘his papers’

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A local anti-vaxxer has today declared his local library ‘entirely fascist’ after they refused to lend him books unless he could produce and/or a membership card.

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Man spends day following government advice by planning Christmas party he shouldn’t attend

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A man is spending the day following government advice today, by planning a Christmas party for his workmates and friends, which he shouldn’t actually attend.

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