Health

City built on sausage rolls declared unfit for human habitation

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Environmental officers have declared a city built on sausage rolls ‘unfit for human habitation’ after discovering the foundations of flaky pasty were dangerously unstable and the sausages have started to go a bit funny, according to reports published today.

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Man who trod on a house spider whilst barefoot left traumatised for life

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A man who trod on a house spider whilst walking barefoot ‘is unlikely ever to truly recover from the experience’ according to reports today.

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Audi owner ruins sex session by pulling out without warning

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Sex with an Audi driver has been described as being ‘as good as his driving’ this morning, after what was expected to be a marathon session ended when he abruptly whipped out and shoved off with no warning.

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Woman successfully uses chocolate to stave off mid-afternoon craving for wine

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A woman has had an incredible success staving off her fantasies about a huge mid-afternoon glass of wine by oinking her way through a large bar of Dairy Milk, we can report.

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Kellogg’s cereal boxes to contain graphic images of fat-induced tumours

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Cereal giant Kellogg is to start producing packaging which contains explicit warnings about what their products do to the human body.

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Watching TV will give you square eyes, warns Mum whose job involves staring at a screen all day

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A caring mother has been repeatedly warning her son of the danger of watching too much TV, totally ignoring to the fact that she has a job that involves staring intently at a screen for eight hours every day.

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“You can have a freakshake when you stop being so f*cking fat” confirms government

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No, of course you can’t enjoy a freakshake, you fat sack of shit, confirmed this government this morning.

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Cat’s enticingly furry tummy actually a terrible trap

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A cat lying on its back enticing you to nuzzle its lovely, fuzzy tummy is actually luring you into a trap, according to reports today.

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New case of Mad Cow disease detected after Scottish heifer insists no-deal Brexit is a ‘fantastic idea’

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A new case of mad cow disease has been confirmed after the animal in question mooed in favour of a no-deal Brexit.

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Canada legalises marijuana to help them cope with living next to America

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Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau says his new domestic policy will be to get baked and wait for the neighbours to their south to chill out a bit.

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