Health

Nation with strict gun-control laws somehow manages ninth successive year with no mass shootings

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A country with strict gun control laws has somehow managed to go another year with no mass shootings.

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Don’t put ice lollies into Boris Johnson to cool down, women warned

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As UK temperatures reached record-breaking highs some women have been so desperate to cool down that they’ve inserted ice lollies into Boris Johnson and other senior Tories.

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Britons finding excuses to hang round in the supermarket freezer aisle

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People are finding any excuse to linger in the supermarket freezer aisle for up to several hours at a time, according to reports today.

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Let’s spend more money killing foreigners, says man who killed British people by slashing NHS funding

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Jeremy Hunt has pledged to increase defence spending by £15bn over the next five years, leading many to aks where this desire to invest was hiding when he was Health Secretary?

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Amazon’s Alexa to wait until you have visitors before asking how your haemorrhoids are doing

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A partnership between Amazon and the NHS will see Alexa devices ask you about embarrassing ailments whenever you have company.

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Fears grow for Jeremy Corbyn’s health after he fails to be spotted jogging through London like those other twats

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Jeremy Corbyn’s life is thought to be hanging in the balance after rumours that he is unable to run a marathon in under two hours thirty.

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There is nothing like drinking a cup of boiling hot liquid to cool you down on a warm day, insist Brits

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The best thing to cool you down in a heatwave is a cup of recently boiled water, it has emerged.

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Drug addict just makes things worse by stealing Warhammer player’s bag

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A man who thought crack was the most addictive thing he’d ever have the misfortune to encounter has just stolen a Warhammer player’s bag, we can report.

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Queen refusing to let Charles have the top job until he ditches all that homeopathy bullshit

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The Queen has insisted she has no intention of abdicating and letting Charles become King until he gives up believing in nonsense like homeopathy.

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Boris painstakingly paints people into his wooden toy buses before sending them off a cliff

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Boris Johnson has admitted his favourite hobby is painting people inside a homemade bus, giving them names, characters and backstories, before then throwing them all off a cliff.

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