Health

Brexit Party’s official line on Coronavirus is ‘rubber up and don’t order mussels’

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Patriotic Britons have nothing to fear from the Coronavirus unless they go barebacking a “Chinaman”, according to advice issued this morning by Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party.

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UK safe from coronavirus as Boris Johnson orders “All is well” to be painted on red buses

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In view of the growing epidemic of coronavirus in China and worldwide, the government has announced a series of measures like painting slogans on red buses, declaring that the UK is the healthiest nation on earth and training ministers to steal journalists’ phones.

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Stories about coronavirus going viral go viral

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Reports about the Chinese coronavirus going viral have been going viral this morning.

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NHS counting down last seven days of underfunding before the extra £350 million per week arrives

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The NHS just has to struggle through this last week and then everything will be fine, it has emerged.

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Man’s Dry January seemingly enters fourteenth year

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Basingstoke resident Simon Williams has today entered what seems like the fourteenth year of dry January.

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Racists furious at suggestion they should wear Muslim-style face veil in fight against deadly coronavirus

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The wearing of the niqab, or full face-veil, will be mandatory for all UK citizens under urgent new World Health Organisation Coronavirus guidelines adopted by the UK government.

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Deadly Coronavirus nothing to do with piss-poor bottled lager, drinkers reassured

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Concerned fans of piss-poor lager have been reassured that their health is at no risk from drinking the beer, or at least no more than usual.

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Gwyneth Paltrow to sell Pot Pourri scented like her bumhole

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After the success of her minge-scented candle, Gwyneth Paltrow’s online store for people with more money than sense – Goop – has launched a line of Pot Pourri and air fresheners laced with the delicate scent of the actress’ chocolate balloon knot.

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Man eating his kids’ selection boxes for lunch

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A father of two is tucking into his lunch of pure chocolate – courtesy of the Christmas selection boxes gifted to his children – in what he seems to believe is an earnest act of sacrifice on his part.

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Eric and Donald Trump Jr develop bone spurs in anticipation of war with Iran

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As tensions with Iran escalate, the military-age sons of President Trump are understood to have simultaneously developed bone spurs – which would exempt them from any draft, were one introduced.

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