Health

Man meeting with eight friends ‘just doing it to test his hearing’

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Local man Simon Williams broke the rule of six with a whole bunch of his mates to test his hearing, he has told authorities today.

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Couple coincidentally getting married during 140-person grouse shoot

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As the government announced that weddings must be limited to 15-people as part of a new round of coronavirus restrictions, many couples are updating their invites to say ‘Grouse shoot that may or may not include a wedding ceremony’.

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Martian tripods successfully conquer Earth after adopting social distancing precautions

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An invasion of planet Earth by hostile Martian invasion forces has been entirely successful, due to the Martians taking sanitary precautions this time.

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Last orders bell to be replaced with air raid siren

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Pubs will close to the sound of air raid sirens in order to evoke the blitz spirit and ensure people comply with the new 10 pm curfew.

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“What bombers?” – The brave WWII ‘anti-Blitzers’ who stood up to Government bombing hoax

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During 1940 and 1941, huge numbers of British people complied with Government blackout orders to protect themselves from the so-called ‘Blitz’.

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Forgiving Brits keen to give coronavirus a second chance

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After so many Brits grew up being told that ‘everyone deserves a second chance’, it should come as no surprise that our forgiving nation is now ready, willing and able to the coronavirus a second chance.

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Worried public await word from Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown after stark Covid briefing

Man worried by covid waiting for Ian Brown and Noel Gallagher to speak

A stark and concerning Covid briefing held by leading Chief Medical Officer Professor Chris Whitty and Chief Scientific Advisor Sir Patrick Vallance has left the British public worried and desperate to hear from Ian Brown and Noel Gallagher about their thoughts on the current state of the pandemic.

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Boris Johnson insists he can hold back the second wave like a right Cnut

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According to reports from Number Ten insiders, Boris Johnson is under the impression that he can command the waves of Coronavirus away from our shores, like some kind of a Cnut.

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Government pioneers groundbreaking COVID 19 test involving a curt nod and mumbling ‘you alright, mate?’

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As criticism grows over its shambolic approach to testing people who might have contracted the deadly coronavirus, Number 10 announced that it would soon deploy an army of volunteers trained to detect if someone looks a bit under the weather and feign interest in their health.

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Potential Halloween lockdown could see local yobs forced to egg their own houses

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The tosspots down the road may have nobody to play their pranks on this Halloween but themselves.

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