Health

Coughing, feverish Boris Johnson personally licking shut thousands of Coronavirus letters for British households

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Boris Johnson has written a letter about the Covid-19 crisis, copies of which will be sent to every household in the country, and despite self-isolating for the disease himself the PM is pitching in by personally licking shut thousands of envelopes.

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You can not hide from me, self-isolating Dominic Cummings tells absolutely everyone in government

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Despite being self-isolated after showing symptoms of coronavirus, Dominic Cummings has issued a stark warning to government workers that he is everywhere at all times, regardless of his physical location.

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Bored Britons on lockdown grateful for opportunity to spend four hours changing all clocks in the house

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Britons a week into lockdown have announced their gratitude for the opportunity of undertaking a task that wasted a few of the hours they have going spare.

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British people secretly loving all this queuing

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British people are secretly getting a powerful erotic charge from lengthy queues outside supermarkets and petrol stations, it has emerged.

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Boris Johnson finally writes to his own children

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By writing to everyone in the country the Prime Minister is reaching out to his various offspring in a way he never has before.

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Stoner surprised to learn Britain is on lockdown

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Stoner Simon Williams was shocked to learn today that he’s been doing exactly what the government want by sitting on the sofa watching Netflix solidly for the last two weeks.

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People rejoicing at Tory ministers getting sick reminded that it can only happen for so long before Mark Francois becomes PM

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The government has explained that, if enough Tory MPs get incapacitated, the reins of the country could very well end up in the hands of a xenophobic potato who thinks he deserves a remembrance day all to himself, so maybe you should lay off the online snark.

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Self-isolating Boris spends first day making 100 red buses out of crates

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The Prime Minister may be self-isolating but he’s still getting his priorities right and making loads of crappy wooden red buses.

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Considerate BMW driver maintaining 6-foot social distancing from car in front

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BMW driver Simon Williams is doing his bit in the fight against Coronavirus by keeping an ‘unusually large’ six-foot gap between his car and the one in front, it has emerged.

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Americans across the US arrange synchronised applause for insurance executives they hope will let them get treatment if they get sick

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This evening at 8pm Americans across the US will unite in celebration of the people who might get to make life and death decisions on their behalf in the next few weeks.

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