Health

No-one has the right to tell me what to do with my body, insists anti-vaxxer who says women shouldn’t have right to choose

A religious anti-vaxxer who is today loudly insisting that no one has the right to tell him what to do with his body, also firmly believes that women should not have the right to choose what they do with their bodies.

Ozzy Osbourne to release ‘No More Tiers’ to celebrate the end of lockdown

As various lockdown and tier restrictions are lifted across the UK, Ozzy Osbourne is to release ‘No more tiers’ in recognition of the event.

Coronavirus reluctantly set to leave Britain as agreed

The Coronavirus has packed up and is leaving Britain, as agreed, later today. Thus allowing Boris’s Freedom Day to take place and all Covid restrictions to be lifted.

“NOW how will I cheat on my current wife?”

Boris Johnson will be self-isolating despite the fact he has fucking about to do.

Boris Johnson unveils roadmap for going back into lockdown in the summer

Poor nations delighted to get leftover vaccines after promise by Boris Jo………. aaaaah f*ck!

Quarantined travellers facing financial ruin after taking Pringles from hotel minibar

Boris Johnson announces Easter easing of lockdown to mark end of carnage from Christmas easing of lockdown

Hypothetical can of Coke containing every single molecule of coronavirus on Earth still preferable to Pepsi

Vulnerable Spurs defence leaps to head of vaccine queue

UK will impose strict quarantine rules right until a senior Tory breaks them, promises Grant Shapps

UK arrivals who hide ‘high-risk’ journeys face ten years in Pontins

Government secures quarantine deals with Overlook Hotel and Bates Motel

‘We need time to prepare for quarantine hotels’ says government that had 12 months to prepare for quarantine hotels

Homeschooling parents fantasise about quarantining alone in hotel room for ten days

Government asks if Captain Tom funeral procession could ‘go round the garden’ for some NHS funding

Hancock: Covid strategy based on ‘Carry On Again Nurse’

Chris Grayling to conclude ‘Clap for Captain Sir Tom’ by high-fiving all of his elderly neighbours

Concern government may still be completely ineffectual against new Covid strains

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