Environment

2078: As global warming destroys planet, people just glad Londoners of the past could get home in time for the One Show

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After a decade that saw vast swathes of equatorial land become too hot to sustain population, that saw the loss of 50% of Europe’s land mass to flooding, and that saw conclusive proof that climate change would destroy the planet within a generation, the overriding emotion of the remaining population of Britain was one of relief that Londoners of 2019 were able to get home in time for the One Show.

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“You can have plastic straws if we can hammer one up your nostril and leave the rest in your house”

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McDonald’s are willing to compromise on their straws.

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Londoners demand drastic solutions to climate change that also cause them no inconvenience whatsoever

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After a week of disruption by the Extinction Rebellion protesters, Londoners of all stripes agreed that climate change is an urgent problem seeking radical action, just not the sort of action that would require leaving for work a bit earlier.

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New study shows that the dinosaurs were wiped out by starvation, due to Dexit

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Scientists studying the site of a meteorite strike on Earth 66 million years ago, which destroyed the dinosaurs, have revealed that they have found a number of prehistoric, dino-polling stations in the rock.

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Migrating birds to be denied entry back into the UK in the spring following Brexit

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The quaint old British saying of ‘one swallow doesn’t make a summer’ might be a right load of old bollocks within a matter of months after the government announced today that new immigration laws would extend to wildlife.

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Donald Trump claims global warming is a hoax after spotting frost on White House lawn

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US President Donald Trump has insisted global warming is a hoax after a looking out of his bedroom window to see frost on the White House lawn.

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Body of Aquaman washed up on Irish beach with stomach full of plastic

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Children, nerdy adults and weirdos are in a state of mourning today, following confirmation that a body washed up on a beach in Ireland yesterday was that of DC Superhero, Aquaman.

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Britain responds to David Attenborough’s heartfelt climate change plea by attaching sixty trillion Christmas lights to its rooftops

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Sir David Attenborough is said to be ‘face-palming incessantly’ this morning after Britain reacted to his stirring words at the UN climate change summit by illuminating the nation with enough tacky Christmas lighting to shame the rapture, it has emerged.

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Ladybirds forced to rebrand after ‘sexism’ complaints

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Ladybirds have been forced to rebrand themselves following a series of complaints that their name is ‘sexist’.

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New case of Mad Cow disease detected after Scottish heifer insists no-deal Brexit is a ‘fantastic idea’

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A new case of mad cow disease has been confirmed after the animal in question mooed in favour of a no-deal Brexit.

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