Entertainment

Jeremy Corbyn calls for ‘meaningful public vote’ on the final outcome of Strictly

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Jeremy Corbyn has astonished Westminster by unequivocally backing a clear and meaningful public vote on the outcome of Strictly Come Dancing.

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X Factor winner Dalton Harris given zero hours recording contract

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After government confirmation that zero-hours contracts are in fact ‘real’ jobs, Simon Cowell has moved to award one to X Factor winner Dalton Harris.

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Simon Cowell wins X Factor for record 15th time

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Simon Cowell shocked morons everywhere last night by dramatically securing his fifteenth successive victory in ITV’s X Factor.

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Nation excited by televised Brexit debate between woman who hates debating and man who won’t talk about Brexit

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British people have been at pains to hide their excitement at the prospect of a rare televised discussion about Brexit featuring no-one other than an old woman who speaks only in slogans and an old man who always tries to steer the topic towards austerity.

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Woman successfully uses chocolate to stave off mid-afternoon craving for wine

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A woman has had an incredible success staving off her fantasies about a huge mid-afternoon glass of wine by oinking her way through a large bar of Dairy Milk, we can report.

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Everyone still pretending that Love Actually is a good film

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The public are still extolling the virtues of Love Actually, according to reports this morning.

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Lars Ulrich completes entire song without standing up

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The rock world is in a state of disbelief today amid reports that Lars Ulrich completed an entire song without standing up even once.

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Mars lander fails to locate David Bowie

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Music fans claim the $830m cost of the mission was a ‘complete waste’ after it was revealed that not only has the inSight lander not found David Bowie, there are no real plans to even look.

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Next bushtucker trial on ‘I’m a Celebrity’ will see contestants try to swallow Theresa May’s Brexit deal

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As part of their next gruelling challenge, contestants on ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ must take in Theresa May’s Brexit deal without their bodies rejecting it.

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Christmas Doctor Who will see team face challenge of returning Jacob Rees-Mogg to his own time

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Leaked footage has shown that the Christmas episode of Doctor Who will see the team face the challenge of returning Jacob Rees-Mogg to his own time.

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