Entertainment

William Shatner confirms trip to space, intends to sleep with green women whilst he’s there

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William Shatner has confirmed he will travel into space aboard Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket, and says he expects to bone two or three green dancing girls whilst he’s up there.

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Keir Starmer more likely to be next James Bond than next Prime Minister

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The leader of the Labour Party is more likely to be cast as the next 007 than win the next general election, experts agree.

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Chris Rea reckons he’ll be walking home for Christmas this year

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The closure of his local petrol station after they ran out of fuel means Chris Rea reckons he may as well start walking now.

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Major rail incident declared as Huey Lewis found riding train without credit card

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British Transport Police were called upon earlier today to resolve a dispute involving rock legend Huey Lewis.

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Traces of river found in drugs at Glastonbury site

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Environmental researchers have found trace levels of river in the huge pile of drugs at the Glastonbury festival site which might prove harmful to users unless they are reduced.

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‘Maybe, I DO really want to know how your garden grows,’ says hypocrite horticulturalist Noel

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Noel Gallagher has shocked fans by confessing that he actually DOES really want to know how your garden grows despite nearly thirty years of claiming the opposite.

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BBC uses exorcist to lift ‘Strictly Curse’

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With the first live Strictly Come Dancing show just a few days away, the BBC has called in an exorcist to lift the infamous ‘Strictly Curse.’

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Bake off cancelled due to expensive gas ovens and shortage of ingredients

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The prohibitive cost of running a baker’s dozen of gas ovens during an energy crisis has meant that this season’s Bake Off has been cut short.

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Bob the Builder returns home to Poland

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Popular local builder Bob has returned home to Poland leaving local residents at a loss who will carry out renovations, construction and repair.

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GB News to boost ratings by unwrapping surprise eggs live on air

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GB News is aiming to boost its viewing numbers – which would be described as ‘flagging’, if they weren’t already zero – by having all their presenters unwrap surprise eggs live on telly.

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