Entertainment

CBeebies’ Baby Club lambasted for ill-advised touching of eyes and ears and mouth and nose

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CBeebies’ show ‘Baby Club’ has been lambasted for the ill-advised suggestion that all babies should be touching their eyes and ears and mouth and nose at this time of national crisis.

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Further football postponements sees desperate Sky Sports secure exclusive rights to Asda CCTV

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After the Premier League has suspended further football matches until the end of April at the earliest, an increasingly desperate Sky Sports has secured the exclusive rights to the nation’s favourite pastime, watching people fight over toilet rolls in a packed supermarket.

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Missing man located buried under collapsed pile of his own stockpiled toilet paper

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A three-day missing person hunt has been called off after local man Simon Williams was discovered buried under a collapsed heap of toilet paper in his home.

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BBC accused of ‘clear and obvious bias’ against Coronavirus

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This BBC has come in for criticism over what some people are calling a ‘clear bias’ against coronavirus.

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Concert news: Mosh pits to be replaced with Social Distancing pits

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Heavy metal fans are being warned to stay at least two metres apart whilst dancing as aggressively and violently as they can, according to reports today.

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Britain f*cked as Winchester pub closed due to Coronavirus

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Britain’s plan to head off to the Winchester and enjoy a nice cold pint until this all blows over has been scuppered by the pub closing due to the virus.

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Weinstein feels ‘great remorse’ that he has to go to prison

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Disgraced movie producer Harvey Weinstein has spoken of the ‘great remorse’ he feels at having to go to prison.

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Boris Johnson encourages people to defeat Coronavirus by showing up in public as rarely as he does

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Boris Johnson has a valuable tip for the British people: “Beat the spread of Coronavirus by showing up in public as rarely as I do”, he told reporters today.

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Max von Sydow finally loses chess game with death

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Many people had tried to kill Max von Sydow, by means variously including crashing a spaceship into him, using the Dark Side of the Force, and doing battle with the devil himself – so making it to 90 was a remarkable achievement for a truly wonderful actor.

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Dogs at this year’s Crufts being advised to lick own backsides for at least 20 seconds

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After sponsors of Crufts asked their staff not to attend the dog show citing Coronavirus fears, the event’s organisers have announced additional precautions against the spread of infection, including asking all competing dogs to spend at least 20 seconds when they lick their own rear ends.

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