Education

Five-year-old relieved to have chalked off last National Trust day out of the summer

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A five-year-old is sighing a deep breath of relief after his last visit to one of the three National Trust properties he’s frequented on rotation for the past six weeks, it has emerged.

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Successful A-Level students relax and begin lifetime of exam anxiety dreams

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Students who were out last night celebrating their A-level results awoke this morning in a cold sweat after dreaming they were in an A-level exam they were hopelessly underprepared for.

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Unattractive A* student told to get out of the shot

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A student from London who earned five A* grades in her A-Levels is being repeatedly told to get out of the shot this morning, it has emerged.

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Parent unwittingly gives child a piece of advice that will haunt it for life

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A parent has recently given a child a piece of advice that will go on to haunt it for the remainder of its life.

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Only four more weeks of making shit versions of Forky, parents remind themselves

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Despairing parents are telling themselves that a third of the summer holidays have flown by and they only have to spend another short month sitting at the kitchen table sticking googly eyes onto plastic forks.

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University is where you can just spout off and everyone has to listen, says man who understands nothing about universities

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A man, who labels himself as a free speech advocate, has been making a tit of himself on social media by maintaining that the purpose of universities is to allocate lecture halls to any attention-seeking cretin regardless of how ignorant they are.

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Cambridge withdraws visiting fellowship given to Kermit the Frog

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In a move which has sparked widespread controversy, Cambridge University has announced its intention to withdraw a visiting fellowship given to Kermit the Frog, who had been scheduled to visit the prestigious university later this year.

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Parents who want “confusing” LGBT rights classes banned somehow fine with algebra

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Parents who want classes around LGBT rights stopped on the grounds that they are “confusing” are somehow fine with all of the other confusing shite their children will have hammered into their ears at school.

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Education Secretary tells protesting headteachers it’s their own time they’re wasting

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The Education Secretary, Damian Hinds, has told headteachers that it’s their own time they’re wasting by protesting against education cuts after more than 7,000 headteachers wrote a joint letter to 3.5million families, warning of worsening budget shortages.

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Duran Duran satisfied there is now nothing they should know

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After thirty years of asking if there is ‘something I should know’, Duran Duran have finally accepted that there is nothing.

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