Education

Government’s exam results U-turn upgraded to an F-turn

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The government has announced a major U-turn on predicted exam results, which will ensure the U-turn is now referred to as an F-turn.

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Exam algorithm suggests students ‘may also enjoy unaffordable housing’

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Having denied them an education, the government’s exam algorithm is now suggesting other hardships that students might also be interested in.

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Government algorithm renames GCSEs as HDTFs

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The government is considering delaying the GCSE results, or HDTFs, as they are now called.

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Scumbag state school students still somehow getting places at Oxbridge, complain disappointed posh people

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State school pupils are still somehow getting around 20% of places at Oxford and Cambridge Universities, despite constant attempts by the Conservative Party to limit their chances by downgrading their A-Level results.

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‘Well, they probably wouldn’t vote Tory anyway’ – Government defends A-Level debacle

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The Government has continued to defend the current debacle around A-Level results by saying that A-Level students are statistically unlikely to vote in elections, and if they do, they are unlikely to vote Tory.

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Exam debacle causes students from the School of Hard Knocks to lose place at University of Life

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The A-levels fiasco has shattered the centuries-old relationship between the two institutions most attended by the people you will find in a pub on Tuesday afternoon, with some fearing a future dearth of qualified holders of degrees in Common Fucking Sense Mate.

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Camelot awarded contract for next year’s randomly-generated exam results

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The contract for handing out randomly-generated exam results in academic year 20/21 has been won by Camelot.

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A-level student narrowly misses out on first choice city to get drunk in for three years

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A-level student Simon Williams will have to go through clearing after narrowly missing the grades he needed to get drunk for three years in Birmingham.

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Student who spent three years gathering blackmail material on his teachers ‘very confident’ about his exam results

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18-year-old Jake Williams is delighted that his three-year-long plan to gather blackmail materials on his teachers is about to pay off big time.

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UK students promised fair exam results by government, and years of unemployment

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A-level students have been promised they will be given fair and proper exam results tomorrow by the government, followed by years of abject poverty and unemployment as the country falls into the worst recession in decades.

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