Business

Bank of England announces relocation to Dubai and purchase of orange Lamborghinis to launch “Britcoin”

To counter accusations that the Bank of England is overseeing a slow managed decline of the UK’s wealth, Treasury officials have announced that they will give the UK’s economy the same cachet and trustworthiness as cryptocurrencies flogged in ads by shirtless weightlifters smoking cigars on yachts.

Energy bosses brace themselves for huge rise in bonuses

CEOs of all the energy companies in the UK are bracing themselves for the huge bonuses coming their way this year.

British Gas announce they might try a spot of kidnapping next

British Gas has announced that after engaging in a little light breaking and entering, it is keen to sample more of the exciting delights from the criminal underworld.

Company committed to the appearance of being committed to mental health

A company has impressed both staff and customers alike with its commitment to appearing to have a commitment to mental health in the workplace.

Motivation to make 2023 ‘your year’ dead after reading just three work e-mails

Scarborough Walrus resumes hunt for Prime energy drink

‘It’s bloody Easter!’ insist shops

NewsThump Recruitment Job Alert: Avaricious patsy urgently needed to be nominal CEO of social media company

We can’t believe the scruffy spaced-out cryptobro we gave all our money to was fraudulent, insist FTX customers

Santa considers Communication Workers Union call to stage last-minute walkout over pay and conditions

Neuralink trialling a new brain implant that makes you want to pay $8 for Twitter Blue

Santa warns that some toys won’t be delivered on time due to elves spending all their time dicking about on shelves

Alright Zuckerberg, you start showing our articles again and we’ll pretend Metaverse doesn’t look rubbish

Shockwaves across the business world as massive crypto exchange revealed to be nothing more than a way to defraud investors

Kleptomaniacs reminded there are only 11 shoplifting days till Christmas

Placard makers vote to strike over exhausting work schedule

Thomas the Tank Engine branded a ‘scab’ after turning up for work as normal

NewsThump NFTs! For ten grand, you can own a unique NFT of this story, as far as you know

Gordon’s release roast turkey and stuffing infused gin for Christmas

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