Business

New Ineos car to be called Le Brexiteur and come fully equipped with a laughing Frenchman.

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Billionaire Brexit backer Sir Jim Ratcliffe has confirmed that his homage to the Land Rover Defender will be made in France but reassured the disappointed Leave voters in Bridgend that French car workers will occasionally pause to mock the gullible idiots who gifted them such well-paying jobs.

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Office Christmas party ‘character’ forced to get shitfaced and photocopy his arse at home this year

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The complete and utter “character” in your office will have to perform his hijinks at home this year.

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High Street footfall finally increases as administrators pile into every store

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Footfall across the UK’s high streets has massively increased as hundreds of thousands of administrators flood into stores country-wide.

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GB News to ‘represent the unrepresented’ such as immigrants, homosexuals, and black people

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Rupert Murdoch’s new News Channel GB News has been approved by Ofcom and will launch in March with a promise to ‘represent the unrepresented’ and ‘serve those who feel underserved and unheard’ which, presumably means black people and other minorities, homosexuals, immigrants and all those who are marginalised by mainstream television.

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Man uses money saved by not going out for 8 months to get 12 pack of craft beers delivered online

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A man is using the money he has saved by not going out for 8 months in lockdown, to have a 12 pack of craft beers delivered to his home.

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Arcadia could survive if Sir Philip Green bothered to check down the back of his sofa

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Topshop, Burton and Dorothy Perkins might be alright if Sir Philip Green checked under his arse.

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Government certain that laid-off Arcadia staff will be fairly treated by tax-avoiding, woman-groping, smarmy pension thief

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The government has expressed confidence that the soon-to-be jobless employees of the collapsed Arcadia group will be given fair compensation by Sir Philip Green, a porcine billionaire once knighted for his services to grotesquely avaricious arseholery.

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Scotch Egg declared ‘substantial meal’ following large cash donation to Tory party from mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch

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The government has declared that a ‘scotch egg’ will count as a substantial meal during Tier 2 and 3 lockdowns, following a sizeable donation to the Tory party by a mysterious Scotch Egg oligarch.

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Tins of Quality Street to be invisible to the naked eye by 2025

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Tins of Quality Street are getting smaller so fast they will be invisible to the naked eye ‘within the decade’, scientists have confirmed.

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‘Why aren’t businesses ready for Brexit?’ asks government that has been missing Brexit deadlines since 2016

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The government is concerned that businesses are not yet ready for something that they think probably won’t happen.

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