Business

Sales of CDs slump after no-one has any room left in the garage

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Sales of CDs plummeted by 23% last year, as consumers realised there’s no more space in the garage for little plastic boxes that they have to climb over to find.

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New Greggs sausage rolls not only vegan but also HALAL

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The Daily Mail and their readers lost even more of their shit this morning as it was revealed Greggs’ new line of vegan sausage rolls are HALAL.

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Moron utterly convinced Greggs vegan sausage rolls will infect steak bakes with dangerous levels of veganism

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An idiot angry at Greggs for releasing a vegan sausage roll is utterly convinced all other baked delights served by the chain will be infected by veganism.

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I have also started a new shipping company with no ships, can I have a £13.8m government contract?

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Starting a shipping company without the need to own any ships is extremely easy, according to the thousands of people wondering if the government will give them a £13.8m contract.

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Hopelessly optimistic Warhammer player makes new year resolution to finish painting all his figures

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“This year I’m going to finish painting all my figures before I buy any new ones,” a drunk Simon Williams told friends at 00:15 yesterday.

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Happiness-hating scientists create unholy games hybrid

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Misanthropic scientists have emerged from a dark laboratory where their foul experiments have created a monstrous crossbreed of games guaranteed to have everyone at each other’s throats this Christmas.

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Drones over Gatwick found to be new Ryanair ‘Super Economy’ flights

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Following hours of cancellations and delays, a sheepish Gatwick airport has issued a statement confirming that what they initially thought were drones are in fact the maiden flights of the new Ryanair ‘super economy’ series.

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Colleagues pretend not to hate each other in return for free turkey and wine

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As Christmas really begins in earnest, colleagues across the country have begun the time-honoured tradition of pretending not to hate each other return for free turkey and wine.

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Man who remembers when Freddos were 10p horrified to realise just how long ago that was

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A man who reckons Freddos should still be 10p has learned that was last the case in 2005, we can report.

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Expensive Christmas supermarket adverts ensure people continue using supermarket nearest to their house

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The millions spent by supermarket chains on Christmas advertising is proving successful at making sure customers continue to shop in the same places they do every single week.

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