Business

Wetherspoons keen to hire long-distance runners after Boris announces table service must be used in all pubs

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Wetherspoons has begun hiring long-distance runners and all staff are to begin marathon training from today in order to build up the stamina required to deliver table service to the thirsty hordes at their array of massive pubs across the UK.

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Risk-loving adrenaline junkies excited by prospect of cinema pick ‘n’ mix

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People who get a kick out of risking their lives can’t wait for cinemas to reopen so they can fill their boots at the self-service sweet counter.

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Box manufacturer goes bust after thinking outside the box

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A box manufacturer has gone out of business after a disastrous decision to try thinking outside the box.

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Amazon reports critically low stocks of any old shit

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Online tat merchant Amazon has reported that its stocks of any old shit have reached critically low levels.

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How to monetise your blog by making it a blog about how to monetise a blog

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The best way to successfully monetise your blog is to change the topic of the blog to ‘how to monetise your blog.’

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Government tells people not to worry about feeding or educating their children because Primark is now open

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The government has revealed today that despite the current education crisis affecting millions of children across the country, and news that thousands of vulnerable children will not be provided with food vouchers over the summer, Primark and H&M are still open for business.

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Massive queues outside Sports Direct stores due to countless rails of tat restricting maximum safe occupancy to one person

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Sports Direct has found that filling your store full of racks upon racks of tightly-packed tat means that the number of people able to shop safely while observing social distancing rules is just one.

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Primark imposes strict spend limit of £1.50 per family as fears grow over panic buying

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Primark has announced strict spending limits of £1.50 per family this morning up to a maximum of 25 items each as they finally open their doors again to the public.

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Humans to be allowed out of temporary lockdown to see animals in permanent lockdown

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Zoo animals across the UK have expressed delight that humans will be able to come and see them locked in their cages, admitting that the last few months must have ‘been awful for them’.

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Bras unionise in protest at new zero-hour contracts

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Despite previously being considered essential workers, providing frontline support to millions of women, the rise in home-working has left many of the nation’s bras cruelly cast off by their employers.

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