Business

Southampton FC widely condemned for failing to keep a Covid-denying conspiracy theorist as ‘the face of club’

Southampton football club have been widely condemned by the football community for their decision to remove a Covid-denying conspiracy theorist as the club’s most recognisable brand ambassador. Matt Le Tissier has been forced to step down as a club ambassador, in a move widely criticised by the hard of thinking as ‘cancel culture gone mad’.

EU countries to immediately stop buying gas from Russia just as soon as it gets a bit warmer

EU countries are to immediately stop buying gas from Russia it is revealed today, just as soon as the weather gets a bit warmer outside.

Man who spent all his money on NFTs fails to pay his gas bill with JPEG of an ape

A man who spent all of his life savings on NFTs, convinced they would make him rich, has today struggled to get his energy supplier to accept a jpeg of an ape as payment for his gas bill.

Energy firms patiently waiting to hilariously reveal it’s all an April fool

Those pesky prankster energy firms are patiently waiting to tell everyone that this is all an April fool.

Government unveils ‘guaranteed to work’ petrol track & trace app to beat fuel crisis

“Look at all these idiots panic buying” mutters every single person in petrol queue

Man panic-buying toilet rolls for third time in a year providing helpful new definition of ‘insanity’

‘I’m not Christmas panic buying’ insists man with large turkey, pigs in blankets, sprouts, Quality Street and three bottles of Baileys

Swear jar installed in BBC newsroom to punish staff for using the word ‘Brexit’ in a negative context

Christmas cracker manufacturers begin inserting HGV licences as cracker fillers

Bob the Builder returns home to Poland

‘I’m glad the government is helping the struggling energy companies’ insists man losing £20 a week in Universal credit

Brexit supporter delights in demanding bemused supermarket worker fetch him 20 fluid ounces of milk

Apple’s Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit

70% of UK office workers wish to continue working from home because DUH

Government to delay announcement of any Christmas lockdowns, until everyone’s works Christmas party is booked

IT Department confirm that you are not allowed to access porn in the office

Brexit victory as empty Wetherspoons pint glasses to be stamped with crown logo

Fatima’s next job wasn’t in cyber, she’s now an HGV driver

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