SportsWorldWe’re allowing Russia to compete after being banned from the Olympics because we don’t want murdering, IOC confirms
UKMan who doesn’t watch Strictly because ‘dancing is for gays’ furious as show includes first ever all-male same-sex pairing
BrexitEntertainmentUKCarole Malone attacks ‘mean and spiteful EU’ for melting the half-eaten Solero she left in her car
SportsWorldPole Vaulter beats off stiff competition from the other 4 or 5 pole vaulters worldwide to win gold
HealthPoliticsUKNeil Oliver bravely pledges to enter childrens’ chemo wards and spit on them for freedom
PoliticsUKLocal Donkey Sanctuary really hoping Nigel Farage finds photo of immigrants riding a donkey
EntertainmentHealthUKJust thump Covid in the face and get on with your life, suggests Jeremy Clarkson
EntertainmentSocietyMatt Damon bravely stopped using racist slur after his white yoga instructor expressed mild discomfort
EntertainmentHealthSocietyUKPiers Corbyn emerges as both the worst Piers and the worst Corbyn despite stiff competition
EducationPoliticsUKTony Blair hails success of Labour’s twenty-year-old programme to rid nation of domestic HGV drivers
SocietySportsUKCheaper to achieve Olympic level ability in Archery, Canoeing and Rowing than try those activities at Center Parcs
PoliticsSocietyUKNew Highway Code rules ‘could see cyclists lording it over drivers in further brazen attempts not to be run over’