EntertainmentSportsUKFantasy football fans excited to watch every single one of their players suddenly become absolutely shit
PoliticsSocietyUKMurder designed to terrorise not actually terrorism if murderer is white, confirm Police
EntertainmentUKYoung boy apologises to albino hippopotamus after saying it reminded him of Eamonn Holmes
PoliticsWorldUS and Britain delighted that all that Taliban malarky got sorted before they left Afghanistan
PoliticsWorldNew Hunter Biden revelations cast doubt on integrity of every single vote cast for Hunter Biden
EntertainmentTom Hardy encouraged to make a film where you can understand a word he f***ing says for once
BrexitBusinessPoliticsUKPost-Brexit logistics issues don’t affect me as I get everything up the road at Tesco, insists Brexiter
EducationSocietyUKStudents with outstanding A-level results offered bursaries to pretend they aren’t smarter than their parents
SocietyTechnologyUKScientists confirm belief that people smoking a cigar in their profile pics are utter wankers
BusinessPoliticsSocietyUKGovernment calls in SAS to deliver groceries as road haulage shortage intensifies
SocietyUKPrince Andrew unable to appear at sex abuse case because he has reservation at Pizza Express, Woking
EnvironmentPoliticsUKAlok Sharma warns of imminent climate catastrophe unless we change the behaviour of people like Alok Sharma
SportsWorldTearful Messi tells reporters, ‘I would do anything to stay at Barcelona… except play for less than £50m a year’
HealthPoliticsUKBoris Johnson will not isolate after staff member got Covid because “it’s boring and he doesn’t want to”