BusinessUKMan distraught after submitting his final ‘cheap’ meter reading BEFORE he used the washing machine
WorldCovid sceptic doesn’t understand why Ukrainian refugees are fleeing a war that has killed less than 0.1% of the population
WorldRussia kindly offers to scale back invasion of Kyiv, after completely and utterly failing to invade Kyiv
UKConcerns for younger female mourners at Prince Philip’s memorial sees Prince Andrew forced to sit in a cage
PoliticsWorldHeroic Ukrainian resistance inspired by belief repressive Russian regime will impose draconian mask mandate
EntertainmentWorldUkrainian soldiers to start attacking Russians with open handed slaps in hope of returning to front pages
EntertainmentWorldConspiracy theorist claims Oscars slap was ‘staged by crisis actors’ after discovering both men involved have their own IMDB pages
UKP&O refute safety concerns over staff as new captain insists he once sailed four-man pedalo on holiday
PoliticsUKBoris Johnson declares he didn’t want to go to a stupid NATO party and anyway he actually likes be alone so whatevs
EntertainmentSocietyUKNaked Attraction spin-off ‘Skinless Attraction’ sees flayed contestants compete for dates
BusinessWorldNestle pull KitKats out of Russia after Putin spotted eating one like some kind of monster
BusinessPoliticsUKObsequious lickspittle fawns over government for giving him back 5p on petrol that has gone up 40p in a year
SocietyUKNazanin should be grateful for release after 6 years in prison, insists man who asks for the manager after 6 minutes on hold
UKRoyal family insists ‘We can’t afford slavery reparations because we’ve spent all our money on Prince Andrew’