NewsThump

Only MPs and drug dealers are opposed to the decriminalisation of drugs, reveals everyone

Sepp Blatter sets out to shake hands with all the black people

Nick Knowles fails to calm A&E department with massive cut-out of himself

Unemployment figures show sharp increase in government blaming everyone else

Peak broadband time revealed as one hour after wife has gone to bed

Surprise at Brodie Clark’s surprise at Theresa May’s ignorance

Birmingham man offers youngsters ‘ultimate Michael Jackson experience’

Drug addicts defend right to take drugs in cars

Tesco apologises after salad leaf found in packet of dead bird

Thousands of angry male Facebook users left unaffected by porn virus

Drug seizure figures reclassified as ‘controlled substances’ after widespread Home Office abuse

Terry cleared to play all-white Sweden

Downing Street cat blames previous Labour government’s rodent policy

Nuclear warheads to protect Olympic village, claims Hammond

Food poisoning provides authentic Indian holiday experience, insists Loyd Grossman

Facebook to ask permission before tattooing people as they sleep

John Lewis advert unites nation in agreeing there’s not a single fucking kid really like that

Nation busy googling ‘flesh-eating kangaroos’

Francis Maude urges public sector workers to strike only during toilet breaks

Wealthy eco-friendly show-offs welcome cut in solar panel subsidies

Muslims Against Crusades ban leaves EDL at a loose end

Mafia issues strenuous News International denial

UK athletes back ‘slightly cheaper to get to’ Doha for 2017 World Athletics Bid

First privatised NHS hospital announces minimum dress code

Newsthump Digest