All Stories – Page 546 – NewsThump

Francis Maude tells public to enjoy Easter because everyone is going to die

UK

Kent man forced to travel to kitchen in search of water

Galloway reaffirms commitment to ‘some northern town starting with B’

Shortage of credible MPs fuels further panic

Bradford rejects mainstream politics by electing career politician with murky past

UK

Gangs of vicious motorists besiege Dorset in hunt for overpriced sandwiches and charcoal briquettes

Motorists urged to panic-buy jerry cans

Taxing bakers is the closest we’ll get to taxing bankers, confirms government

NASA spacecraft finds ‘evidence of water’ in South East England

The past shouldn’t affect job prospects, only physical disabilities, confirms Hoddle

Cameron insists ‘nothing new’ about using army to secure fuel supplies

Christian MPs urged to prove it isn’t the Flying Spaghetti Monster healing people

World

Pope condemns Cuban leaders for holding ‘unrealistic beliefs’ without evidence

Muamba offers prayers for Kenny Dalglish’s managerial career

UK

James Cameron offered £250k to shut up about submarines at dinner

Lib Dem treasurer offers access to Clegg in exchange for 250 Clubcard points

UK

Warmish weather chaos as UK engulfed in huge barbecue cloud

Ugly fat people fearful for sex lives as government proposes minimum alcohol price

Words ‘Great Britain’ to help fans identify Great Britain Olympic kit

‘Staycation’ camping holiday ruined by English luvvies

Al Qaeda operative avoids driving ban after using ‘the Tony Pulis defence’

Tulisa apologises to fans after leaked video of ‘intimate civilised dinner’

Bumper onanistic Winter promised for Dr Who fans

Andy Carroll to star in ‘John Carter 2’

Cardiac specialists wondering if the religious might give them a little credit for Muamba survival

Sports
Technology

Huge interest in Scottish mini-satellite after photographer stuffs baby owls inside

UK

Women reluctant to join Dennis Waterman’s pub quiz team

UK

Major religions ‘not so different’ say leaders united by mistrust of gays

Teenage boys pretty keen to give bionic hand a go

How about you spend some of my fuel duty on the roads, everyone tells Cameron

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