NewsThump

Whole of UK turned blind eye to Savile abuse, apparently

Men covered in blood carrying machete ‘intimidating’, finds High St survey

Mercedes engineers excited by prospect of working closely with Nicole Sherzinger

You can expect your apology in about 23 years, everyone tells Kelvin McKenzie

US Ryder Cup crowd to contain more dickheads than ever before, warns Davis Love III

Church of England keen to elect imaginary friend’s favourite

Feature: Mitt Romney solves your engineering problems

BBC pretty sure it won’t be reporting what Prince Philip thought of Abu Hamza

Romney campaign now pretty much relying on Obama publicly murdering someone soon

People standing on piers likely to get wet, warns Met Office

Government to disarm Police with ‘doffing caps’

Abu Hamza’s hook to be replaced with plastic ‘Spork’ during extradition flight

Professor David Nutt to run televised study into the effects of lager and sambuca

John Terry retires to spend more time with other people’s families

Mark Halsey performance creates selection dilemma for Manchester United

Prof Stephen Hawking slams TARDIS for lack of wheelchair access

Andrew Mitchell apologises for letting his personality leak out in public

Nick Clegg sorry for watching Babestation, but not for ejaculating on curtains, reveals Mrs Clegg

New government dossier ‘proves that badgers possess WMD’

Nick Clegg mistakes YouTube for Catholic confessional booth

Early textbook reveals Jesus had glasses, moustache, penis on forehead

PC Simon Harwood excited by calls for British police to be armed

There’s no homophobia in football, claims anonymous gay player from behind curtain

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