NewsThump

US scientists discover chimps lack ‘innate sense of capitalism’

HMV visits administrator offices, appoints cheaper online version

FA to consider replacing tackling with Rock-Paper-Scissors

Tell us again how awful your commute was today, say UK homeless

Honda and Jessops employees become skivers

New state pension will make it much easier to ‘see how poor you are’

Audley Harrison plots comeback fight against four year-old girl

Stargazing Live ‘needs more gazing at celebrities’

Vengeful morons send yew trees into hiding after Savile child abuse findings

Duchess of Cambridge portrait artist denies Jennifer Aniston infatuation

Government insists morons being separated from their money is a ‘good thing’

Lance Armstrong to use appearance on Oprah Winfrey show to deny appearance on Oprah Winfrey show

Could we try shipping all our prisoners to the other side of the world, ask tax payers

Nick Clegg tweet ends ‘Onesie’ fad in seconds

Blackburn Rovers keen to appoint new manager after disappointing run of victories

Obesity campaigners call for consumers to try throwing away three-quarters of all food

North Korea mulls addition of second page to internet

Americans’ level of insanity judged by how tolerable they make Piers Morgan look

MP demands return of alchemy to national curriculum

Old man releases awful record

Kepler telescope predicts 17 billion Professor Brian Cox candidates

Sir Alex Ferguson recalls Howard Webb for crucial Liverpool grudge match

Coalition to stay together ‘for the sake of the cabinet’

Stephen Hawking still pretty sure he’s starring in ‘physics documentary’

Hand transplant recipient slams donor’s poor masturbation technique

Celibacy seems to work pretty well for Catholic priests, insists Church of England

ITV to screen chilling BBC TV nostalgia weekend

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