NewsThump

Will chipped dogs stop shitting everywhere, asks everyone

Pippa Middleton refusing to deny ‘relationship’ with Richard III

People who tell people to move to Iran if they don’t like it, urged to move to Iran if they don’t like it

Dyson launches Marilyn Monroe bidet

Gambling ‘not fair’, finds European inquiry

Skeleton found in West London car park is Rafa Benitez

Gay marriage threatens our attempts to make everything worse, claim Tories

Chris Huhne to cultivate new bad-boy persona as ‘C-Dog’

William Hague declares ‘imminent victory’ in Britain’s war on moths

Vine gives tedious morons new way to bore the shit out of their friends

Beckham to help new PSG team-mates by taking English lessons

Next QPR squad photo to be shot in CinemaScope

Jim White’s deadline day erection enters fifth hour

Embarrassment as Cameron tries to pay truffle into foodbank

Killing foreigners more important than looking after poor, confirms Cameron

OFT ‘doing fantastic job’ finds OFT

Nick Clegg to ease pressure on leadership by playing Aston Villa

Testicle recovering well following removal of Jeremy Kyle

UK petrol market ‘working well’ for people who don’t use petrol

Iran drags space program into 1960s

Ministers to deter immigrants with daytime TV

Prince Charles orders 500 copies of De Telegraaf for Buckingham Palace

Cardboard boxes recognised as ‘child minders’

‘Major technological breakthrough’ as man fixes computer by shouting at it

Dolphins ‘intelligent enough not to rely on NHS’

Odds of successful bookmakers robbery drift out to 33-1

Footballer takes woman for dinner and then drives her home safely

National lottery players set to become twice as stupid

McVitie’s hire George Osborne to launch new ‘triple-dip’ digestives

Greek riot police lead horse to water, force hose up its bottom

Newsthump Digest