NewsThump

Children to advise parents on how to unblock porn filters

Charles Saatchi reveals new throat-punch seduction technique

Getting paid a wage to put you in debt by 2014

Nick Griffin experiences conversion to liberal politics after journey to Damascus

Six morons jailed over plot to bomb other morons

Prism still can’t tell you where your car keys are

Fears for Prince Philip grow after third consecutive gaffe-free night in hospital

Conspiracy theorists dismiss Alex Jones as government conspiracy to make conspiracy theorists look stupid

EDL to target Burka-wearing Selfridges robbers

In space no-one can hear Justin Bieber sing, confirms Virgin Galactic boss

Grown adults apparently shocked by completely made up thing that never actually happened

AA reveals 85% of middle-lane hogs are actually journalists

Thought powered helicopter ‘will not work’ for UKIP voters

Calls for middle-lane hoggers to face death penalty

House of Lords still having homosexuality explained to them

Church calls for ‘fertility checks’ before allowing straight marriage

Ed Balls pledges a Labour government would be committed to blaming everything on current government

Rafa Benitez appointed interim Doctor Who

Health campaigners call for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ vagina to be offered in ‘plain packaging’

Next Batman should be a woman, insist feminist super hero fans

EDL to be renamed Moron Defence League

Windows 8 to reintroduce annoying paperclip ‘helper’

EDL to fight Muslim oppression by threatening you until you agree with them

EDL invites Muslims in for a pint of ‘premium strength lager’

Ashley Cole to have sex with captain’s armband

Newsthump Digest