NewsThump

Actual mad scientist busy smearing excrement on whiteboard

People who post Game of Thrones spoilers the new paedophiles

Tamiflu performed exactly as we hoped it would, claim Tamiflu manufacturers

John Terry to test drive lab-grown vaginas

And what did Jesus say about the money lenders, nation asks David Cameron

UK GDP boost mainly from drugs and hookers

Maria Miller claims pilfering tax payer money much easier from back benches

Harvard students to get lessons in angry shouting and pointing

‎We’re all really very sorry, says entire prison population

Not being able to see for miles now an ’emergency’, claim Londoners

Giving up smoking to be banned in public places

Alcoholics to celebrate liver transplant verdict with massive piss-up

Does not getting an Xbox One count as emotional cruelty, ask children

Saharan dust storm ‘best excuse yet’ for a sickie

Full employment pledge ‘a massive April Fool’s joke’, admits George Osborne

£90 England World Cup shirt to be much cheaper after humiliating exit

Crossrail ticket inspectors issue first penalty fares to Black Death victims

Christians busy consulting Bible for next basic human right to oppose

M. Night Shyamalan releases horror film featuring Michael Gove’s ‘Wham Rap!’

Prisoners ‘smuggling books inside packets of drugs’

Man Utd finally pick up 3 points at home thanks to Old Trafford speed camera

Your child’s school attendance is absolutely mandatory – unless we’re on strike, insist teachers

Coldplay’s Chris Martin has massive steak for breakfast

Man United fans launch #NoTrophySelfie campaign

Pope hails miracle of horse’s head ‘appearing’ in Vatican bedroom

Russian troops storm Crimean Laser Quest

Lonely God relieved as Fred Phelps becomes Heaven’s first qualifying resident

Campaign for men to post make-up free testicle photos ‘not really taking off’

Hull City chairman Assem Allam to rename club ‘The FA bums dogs FC’

Hurry up and tell us about the fags, nation’s smokers wheeze at Chancellor

Newsthump Digest