NewsThump

Robert Mugabe to run for FIFA presidency

David Cameron launches work placement scheme for underprivileged MPs

Instead of leaders debates can we have a Thunderdome, asks everyone

Ghostbusters announcement ruins thousands of carpets via spit-takes

Ministers begin NHS policy rewrite by opening thesaurus at word ‘dismantle’

Ed Miliband in training against a wet paper bag, confirm Labour insiders

Liberal Democrats pledge referendum on Creme Eggs

‘Apple profits are outrageous’ tweets man into his new £700 iPhone

Widespread condemnation for man who removed memory stick without ejecting it

Russia’s credit rating is just fine actually, insists last surviving S&P analyst

Jeremy Kyle breaks viewer record as Jesus, Mary and Joseph face the DNA test

Wave of Catholics expected to convert to Church of England ‘for the girls’

Yes we do have to talk about it, insist vegans

Asteroid survives near miss with moron-infected planet

Concern as Tories welcome defecting Dark Lord of the Sith

Greeks vote for the Germans to pay for everything

Hoax caller ‘met his match’ in conversation with charlatan

King Abdullah praised for dragging Saudi Arabia into 14th century

Stark warning for SNP as Scotland’s Hate Reserves run low

Opinionated arseholes ‘really looking forward to election’, report shows

We’ll take the risk of ‘girl on top’ injury, insist men

UKIP manifesto to be released in plain packaging

Anger as The Sun continues to publish itself as ‘newspaper’

Calls for urgent clampdown on people saying it’s ‘too cold to snow’

Microsoft’s Windows 9 development team pretty sure there’s been a mistake

Sir John Chilcot denies Iraq report is late because he was playing Xbox

UKIP to invoice anyone who doesn’t turn up to their party

Government calls on Christian churches to explain how Bible can be compatible with British values

Colleges to offer free short courses in ‘Decoding Political Bullshit’

Warning that scrapping Page 3 could leave footballers unable to find girlfriends

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