NewsThump

Concern as Nigel Farage appears in public without pint of beer

I eat next to nothing except the blood of the living, claims Joanna Lumley

B&Q to sell ’50 Shades of Grey’ DIY bondage kits for idiots

Study finds Samsung’s new ‘listening TV’ already has what it needs to blackmail you

Keep Pot Noodles away from food, supermarkets warned

I want to bank with someone that helps me pay more tax, claims no rich person ever

Garden centre morons complain after lack of success in planting biscuits

Myleene Klass calls for birthday gift policies to be included in election debates

We’re furious at how PwC strictly adhered to the tax rules that we created, insist MPs

Fox News launches 24-hour rolling apology channel

99p Stores customers in revolt over Poundland’s plan to raise prices by 1p

Greece to kick-start economy by cooking crystal meth

200 year-old mummified monk to present Strictly Come Dancing

UK Government to step up campaign of tutting and shaking its head about Islamic State

Homeopaths delighted by repeated dilution of their NHS funding

Clarke Carlisle accuses Ralf Little of getting away with ‘Two Pints of Lager’

Harry Redknapp signs three replacement knees on £60k a week contracts

Ed Balls to carry list of friend names in wallet ‘in case of emergencies’

‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ sequel to feature surprising amount of vampires and bondage

Facebook to let you tag yourself in police photo database

Three-person babies could get ‘50% more birthday presents’

Man in pub claims to have sculpted ‘Michelangelo’ Bronzes

Consider getting mugged to fund your old age, Iain Duncan Smith urges pensioners

It’s because the eyeball worms all say their prayers, God tells Stephen Fry

Rail companies in desperate search for new ways to show contempt for customers

Rampant consumerism celebrates 49th consecutive Super Bowl victory

Kim Sears’ Profanisaurus to be out for Christmas

Weather hyperbole at new high as country is threatened by ‘giant Snowbastard’

Pretty Woman to be remade with Ryan Gosling as a male prostitute

Waitrose on receiving end of world’s largest ‘I told you so’

Newsthump Digest