NewsThump

Fracking industry demands cute little girl with pigtails as regulator

Argentina urged to drop Falklands claim in return for Isle of Wight

Jeremy Clarkson to run for Mayor of London

Utah turns to death by meat cleaver as firing squads run low on bullets

Perverts optimistic over Taylor Swift’s purchase of ‘.porn’ domain name

Ed Miliband rules out serving first term as Prime Minister

UK prepared to reject its values in an effort to combat those who reject its values

David Cameron insists he will remain seated for entire third term

Man who queued for over four hours demands ‘a go’ with Richard III bones

Pop stars shouldn’t sexualise themselves insists singer with globally recognised arse tattoo

Viable UKIP candidates on verge of becoming endangered species

Texas passes bill to install gun vending machines in schools

Tory candidate mistook election campaign for pro wrestling contest

Castlemaine XXXX to be relaunched as a Heritage Ale for hipsters

International Day of Happiness ruined by everyone and everything

Optician plans to buy yacht shortly after eclipse

One Direction stars warned not to do ‘music’ in Manilla

Professor Brian Cox to spend three nights staring up into his own anus

UKIP MEP aims to change perceptions by fiddling expenses instead of being racist

Politicians accused of pandering to people who vote

Wank-rags killing the planet, say experts

Premier League top four to advise Greece on successful European exits

Club 18-30 to scrap its package holidays to Syria

Osborne’s ‘buy 300 get one free’ budget offer delights heavy drinkers

Breastfeeding linked to feeling of superiority

Dogging sites across northern Britain get spectacular view of the northern lights

Judges properly horny, finds report

Glastonbury fans begin preparing bottles of piss for Kanye West

One-legged seagull with diseased eye named UK’s national bird

Man in Primark sweater joins boycott of Dolce & Gabbana

Newsthump Digest