NewsThump

Alton Towers must never become a Dinosaur Park, confirm experts

New Mission Impossible film to feature Tom Cruise escaping from Church of Scientology

Gazza sends Laura Bassett set of plastic breasts

Benefits shake-up to incentivise ill people to get better

Titanic to hold referendum on deckchair arrangement

Women generalise too much, say men

Hundreds blinded by sunlight reflecting off pasty white English bodies

Gingers advised to not even bother today

John Inverdale’s guide to the Wimbledon Ladies of 2015

Greek cheque for 1.6b euros ‘definitely in the post’

Police Operations accused of using up all the best band names

Local radio DJs already running short of hot weather songs

Most Britons to spend ‘Leap Second’ watching TV and eating crisps

Nation wondering how to use leap second as excuse for a lie-in

World queuing championship ruined by tennis

Kanye West sentenced to death for crimes against Queen

Managers now less comprehensible than cats

Confusing sun cream labels being used to ‘kill off morons’

US Supreme Court rules homophobes and bigots should go f*ck themselves

Westboro Baptist Church proven right as America falls into the sea

‘Speaking your mind’ not actually an achievement

95% of all Facebook posts now complete drivel

All gigs now ‘Festivals’

Greece given last chance for 1,274th time

Ed Miliband exercises his right to be forgotten

Computer experts baffled as switching it off and on again doesn’t solve IT problem

North Korea invents Bacon

Queen to move into static caravan during palace renovations

Boy caught trying Dad’s e-cigarette forced to vape entire cartridge

We came up with a solution to the Greek crisis but the dog ate it, says EU

Newsthump Digest